The Friday Five- Five Signs She’s Bat-Shit Crazy

Rudy’s a bit bogged down so I got this one.

Calling a girl crazy is pretty cliche in this day and age.  Anytime a couple breaks up I always hear, “Dude, she was totally crazy,” or “He was just such an asshole.”  Well, perhaps next Friday will be “Five Signs He’s a Raging Asshat,” but not today…  Today ladies and gentlemen, is dedicated to those ladies with a little bit of Britney Spears in them.  I’m not talking about “Hit Me Baby One More Time” Britney, I’m talking shaved head, barefoot, reverted to trailer trash with a baby in her lap while she drives backwards down the 105 smoking a jay and talking on her iphone Britney.  If any of these below signs apply to you, I am by no means saying you are certainly out of your mind, I’m just saying you should probably go see somebody because there is a 95% chance.

1) She hates her dad.  DING DING DING…  The moment she says this…  Be advised you are in for a world of hurt.  The age old “Daddy Issues” sign may be generalizing a bit, but like most generalizations there is some truth to it, like the fact that gingers have no souls, or that Asians are good at math.  The first relationship any woman has is with her father.  If she had a horrible one, or didn’t have one at all, she will most likely have some sort of emotional issues.  That’s a reminder to all you fathers out there, your quality of parenting will directly affect your daughter’s chances at being happy in a relationship, so stop drinking with your buddies and go read to her or something.

2) She doesn’t have any close friends.  Clearly not everyone was blessed with a giant group of friends who are all mutually supportive, fun, and like to collaborate on horrible attempts at starting a blog.  Nonetheless, no matter how much of a loser you were in High School or College, you could find friends if you weren’t a complete waste of space.  I don’t know much about girl-girl friendships, but I will say the good ones I see are the ones that are just like guy-guy friendships, light hearted, care about each other, and super loyal.  If you meet a girl who has a very very small group of friends, perhaps one or two, and they don’t even seem like they’re that close…  That’s a huge sign.  Even worse is if when you start dating, suddenly all your friends become her (only) friends.  She never has girls night with her friends, she never has her friends coming into town to hang out, these are tell tales.  The odd part is that she is super social with your friends and their girlfriends, she fits in great, so you wonder, why doesn’t she have a group of her own?

3) She wants you to get into fights.  I’m not talking about a girl being feisty and talking back to someone who is rude to her.  That’s totally awesome, and I’m down with that.  I’m talking about the girl who literally is like, “He bumped in to me, go kick his ass.”  This girl, is out of her mind.  If she really cares about you, she doesn’t want you to risk someone breaking a bottle over your head, stabbing you, or you getting arrested.  There is a difference between fighting to protect yourself or others, and just fighting to act tough.  Girls who want their boyfriends to fight because they somehow get a rush out of knowing their man can beat up other guys…  This is not a woman you want to be with.  She’s off her rocker.

4) She steals stuff.  Yes, literally steals stuff.  I thought this died down in High School..  (PO- Who was that girl who used to steal stuff in High School and got caught?  I swear I can almost remember her name, somebody must remember).  It was always the rich girls too.  The ones who you knew were just using daddy’s credit cards anyway.  This is some type of weird adrenaline rush, bad girl, rebellious thing, and I never got it.  If a girl is still doing this, she probably needs help, and you probably aren’t the one who needs to give it to her.  Stay back boys, if she is willing to steal she will probably be willing to pin it on you.  Or she’ll try to cry her way out of it, and then you know that she can cry on command and use it as a tool to get what she wants…  And that in itself could be its own sign.

5) She uses sex as a weapon.  This one can be hard to see sometimes, because men can be stupid and blind to these things.  If you find that she is more or less sexually accessible based on her trying to get what she wants or not getting what she wants…  This is a terrible sign.  The act of using sex to get what she wants is really just prostitution.  She is giving or witholding sex to get something she wants.  Just because you aren’t directly paying her in cash, doesn’t mean you aren’t paying in one way or another.  Watch out.



  1. Elijah

    I’m not sure tagging this as “Humor” is the best classification. I think it’s more like “armchair psychology from someone wholly unqualified.” That said, pretty much spot on.

    No clue who got busted for shoplifiting in high school. I don’t even remember that happening.

  2. JPar

    These seem very specific to certain relationships. I like it. Also, this isn’t funny at all; it’s rather depressing.

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  7. Taylor

    I’m pretty sure it was Kalinda Stephenson. If she wasn’t the one who got caught, she certainly stole all the time, and is cray cray.

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