By: The POLife Staff (yeah, we call ourselves a “staff”)
In a big weekend for sports, Horse-Racing-Triple-Crown hopeful I’ll Have Another was a late scratch from the ol’ racing card when the colt, in an intensely introspective and shockingly self-aware moment, decided that a life of oats and margaritas was preferable to the cruel grind of life on the rail and said, “eff this noise – I’m retiring.” Immediately after the announcement, millions of fake Horse Racing fans asked Siri to change “Belmont Stakes” in their iPhone calendars to “dear God, anything else.”*
*In reality, like 8 million people still watched it. Your guess is as good as mine.
How exactly does it feel to have so much money that you aren’t even sure if you have $190 million or $250 million? Apparently pretty damn good. Romney’s Presidential hopes are directly tied to his portrayal of Obama as a poor curator of the American economy, something that was bolstered by the fact that job growth was anemic last month. It’s perverse that Republican strategists probably cheer every time a person files for unemployment or a home is foreclosed.
Mohammed Hosni Mubarak was sentenced to life in prison. This wasn’t enough for thousands of protestors who were furious that he was not given the death penalty. People protesting in mass that you should not be allowed to live is further proof that nobody likes a dictator, no matter how cool of shades he’s always wearing. Fellow dictator and most likely the only person in the Mid East more hated than Mubarak, President Assad, took a break from writing love letters, to assure the sympathetic world that he was in fact doing his people a favor by massacring them. He stated that, “not even monsters'” would carry out Syria Houla massacre, but then followed it up with Dexteresque explanations like this, “When a surgeon in an operating room … cuts and cleans and amputates, and the wound bleeds, do we say to him, ‘Your hands are stained with blood?’ Or do we thank him for saving the patient?” Bashar, quick note about trying not to look like a monster, try not to compare killing civilians to doing life saving surgery… Just saying.
The British held their Diamond Jubilee party. Which proved that the word flotilla is still in use ( who knew?) and that Queen Elizabeth will literally live forever because she is possessed by the devil. Oh, and Pipa remains the hotter of the Middleton sisters.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… Flesh eating bacteria is real WTF?
Facebook continued to dominate the news this week as it turned out a company with $1 billion in profits in 2011 was worth 100x that. Zuckerberg kicked trading off from Silicon Valley surrounded by thousands of other nerds who worship him, rather than on the floor of the NASDAQ surrounded by investment bankers who not so secretly hate him. The stock ended its first day of trading near it’s initial selling price, much to the chagrin of institutional investors who had hoped to use their advantageous position to make a quick profit off individual investors (read suckers) caught up in facebook mania. The stock ended up 23 cents over its initial offering price causing some to say that facebook’s IPO was a huge flop. A day later Zuckerberg surprised guests, who thought they were attending a post IPO party, by marrying his long time girlfriend in a simple ceremony. His new wife Priscilla was reported to have asked why Mark couldn’t even wear a tuxedo to his own wedding the day after he became worth $18 billion. Eduardo Saverin had planned to attend until he was politely asked by America never to return.