We’re back bitches! I know you have missed us since we abandoned the blog in late 2012, but here is a quick recap of what we have been up. Get ready for loads of new content!
You’re welcome world. While you were off getting ready for the Holidays with your loved ones, yours truly was off saving the world from apocalypse. Defeating the prophecy of the “Mayan Calendar” was no easy task, but it was a cakewalk compared to the “Doomsday Demon” I had to fight off back in 1409. That fucker packed a real punch. Other than saving all of humanity from imminent destruction, I have been busy teaching the youth of America how to dribble a basketball and run at the same time. And no I don’t mean Rudy and Eli, I mean 15 year old freshman who are significantly more athletic.
Jaying off on my day off
Not too much to report on my time away from the blog. Honestly I was never the biggest contributor so my life wasn’t altered too drastically. I did take a trip to Utah, but not the really Mormon skiing part of Utah. It was the slightly less Mormon hiking part of Utah. I also spent a lot of time with McCannon on his days off.
I recently became the proud parent of a 1 year old Australian Shepherd.
Hey guys! Did you hear I’m going to grad school in the fall to get my MBA? Yeah, I’m going to grad school in the fall to get my MBA. I studied all summer for the GMATs and took a few months off from writing for The PO Life because I was preparing for my applications to grad school. Then, after I submitted my applications for grad school, I had some interviews. Then, after I had some interviews for grad school, I got some acceptance letters. Then, after I got some acceptance letters from grad schools, I got some scholarships from grad schools. Well not some scholarships, just really one scholarship. So, I’m now officially going to grad school this fall to get my MBA, but in the meantime, you can find me here on The PO Life. Instead of grad school (where I’ll be in the fall getting my MBA).
I’ve been claiming to be a nerd for years now. I’ve lived my life acting like a full blown Sci Fi, fantasy, comic book geek. Sadly, I was caught in a web of my own lies. The geek police did a full audit and realized that I’ve been half assing it for years.
They didn’t revoke my status but I’ve been put on probation. The last six months have been spent rehashing the familiar works of of Gene Roddenberry, J.R.R Tolkien, and Orson Scott Card. I’ve also gone through nerd rehab by plowing through the finer points of Joss Whedon’s portfolio. I’m almost done with Battlestar Galactica and when I’m finished, they’ll take me off of probation. I’m finished coasting, though… hold onto your butt Isaac Asimov, I’m coming for you!
I’ve become the fakest (and yet most real) Redskins fan.
I’ve come back to Amurika.
I’ve taken up crochet in my spare time.
I’ve run my first 100 mile race.
I’ve invented the question mark.
I’ve recently become unemployed.
I’ve bought a fantastic pair of sunglasses.
I’ve caught up on sleep.
I’ve tried to scale back on my lying.
I’ve set goals for myself (like not lying so much).
I’ve eaten more vegetables.
I’ve come to grips with my own mortality.
I’ve really worked on my flossing.
I’ve absolutely detested hearing about everyone elses’ successes.
I’ve gotten off Facebook.
I’ve gotten back on to Facebook.
I’ve purchased many leatherbound books.
I’ve embraced change.
I’ve gotten a tattoo on my chest. (It says YOLO in Chinese).
Al and Bart
Al and Bart, much like Bertram Grover Weeks of Sandlot fame, got really into the 60s. Nobody’s really heard from them.
I believe an introduction is in order. You can call me Joey Greenthumb. You may be sitting there thinking, “Wow, another incredibly handsome, witty, AND intelligent blogger is joining the mix!? Please allow me to perform fellatio on you continuously. I have really needed this.” I know that I wasn’t part of this experience in the very beginning. In all honestly, I was never invited* and I entirely blame McCannon. He continues to Walder Frey me at any and every opportunity; our friendship is on the brink of destruction due to his repeated indiscretions. Also, I think the other guys were scared to invite me because they knew where I might take this blog. You know, to relevance, wittiness, and the depths of the black hole that is my heart. But I digress.
Am I a true member of PO? Not technically, no. I grew up a few streets down from the narcissistic bloggers that you have come to know and love. They are all a few years older, a few years wiser, and a whole lot less attractive than I am. But I did share the wonderful experience of wasting away my childhood at McCannons house. McCannons younger brother and I have been tearing up the East Coast since elementary school, where we would hold “Connect 4” tournaments in the corner of the classroom and only invite the cool kids. And I won every time; don’t let anybody tell you any different. So I have known the exemplary gentlemen who partake in this circle jerk for as long as I can remember.
You want examples you say? You ask and you shall receive.
In the beginning, there was PO. And, nobody liked Elijah. Luckily, nobody liked Bart either. Their personalities were formless and empty. But luckily, they found solace in each other. But their world was still filled with darkness.
PO said, “Let there be light,” and there was McCannon and Fletcher. Having set the Guinness Book World Record for Consecutive Hours Playing Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball, McCannon grew tired of the lopsided trade engine and crafting a lineup that rivaled the Gas House Gorillas. McCannon, knowing Eli yearned to double his friend count, saw the desperation and sold Eli the three-year old game for $20. McCannon called this “pure profit” and Elijah and Bart both “Jews.”
And PO said, “Let there be a chasm to separate Gentile from Zionist.” So Eli and Bart went to a gifted and talented program and McCannon and Fletch to a more traditional educational environment, where they would actually develop social skills. And Rudolph would move to PO from New Jersey. Rudy would make outrageous claims like he was one game away from the Little League World Series and he invented the question mark “in New Jersey.” PO heard Rudy’s hyperbole and PO knew that it was good. And the group would go to elementary school. And there was fifth grade, and there was sixth grade.
And PO said, “Let all these kids be gathered to one place.” And it was so. PO called this “McCannon’s House”. And PO saw that it was good. Then, PO said, “Let the house produce junk food: endless Cokes in the basement fridge, bags of Snyder’s pretzels, Famous Amos and endless cavities for all.” And PO saw that it was good. And there were games of manhunt and there were sleepovers.
And PO said, “Let another enter with even more freckles: a self-righteous bully who’s too much of a smart ass for his own good at the age of 11!” And it was so. Clifford came and called Rudy out for his lack of eyebrows, called Bart out for his stunted growth, called Elijah out for his false bravado, and called McCannon out for his laziness. And PO saw that it was good. And there was middle school and there was high school.
Then PO said, “Let yet another enter who’s soul is black and head blots out the sun.” And Alan was brought forth to bring balance to the world with much needed darkness. His rabble rousing and inability to arrive anywhere on time drove all parties crazy and endeared him to few. But he was there, he was always there, and it was good.
And PO said, “Let our group produce non-sequiturs: vivacious vulgarities, rampant references, hysterical hyperboles, and more.” And it was so. The vulgarities produced competitions, bets, late night wrestling matches, and debauchery. And PO saw that it was good. And there was much rejoicing.
And PO said, “Let them go to college, for this will test the bonds between them.” But PO was kind and made Interstates 81, 64, 68, and the haunted mountain. PO made cross school halloween parties, joint birthdays, Clifford’s-not-here parties, lopsided football rivalries, road trips, and summers home from school to do nearly nothing. And they would graduate. And they would be roommates. And PO saw that it was good.
So PO created this blog in its own image. PO blessed the writers – Fletch, Cliff, Irv, Rudy, Mac, Bart, and Eli- and said to them, “Be fruitful and populate the blog with posts; fill the internet and subdue it. Rule over the trollers and the memes and the bears on trampolines and over every other blog that has or ever will exist.”
PO saw all that it had made, and it was good.