A wise king once told his prince that “everything you see exists in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.”
“But,” the prince said, “don’t we eat the antelope?”
“Yes,” the king reassured him, “but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so, we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.”
Man has been eating animal since before man was man. But, a very real and imminent threat, spearheaded by the Kale Chip industry and augmented by the Kelp Farmers of America is looking to change that. Don’t believe me?
Ask Taco Bell. They recently took a light jab at partygoers who bring veggie trays (and probably their kids and non-alcoholic beer) to Super Bowl Sunday, equating them to “punting on 4th & 1”. This apparently upset the vegetarian and nutritional community, whose arrogance towards having both a literal and metaphorical seat at the table prompted a new pigskin analogy from yours truly. Vegetarians are like Dan Snyder – self-righteous in nature, extravagant spenders on inferior products, and sufferers of cognitive dissonance, foolishly believing their stance will avert the inevitable slaughter.
Well, today, I say ‘I’ll give you my Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco when you pry it from my warm, greasy hands’. Eating animals is part of the great circle of life. Taco Bell shouldn’t have to apologize. And neither should America.
In honor of this week, the holiest of weeks, Meat Week, I bring you The Five Greatest Things About Eating Animals (Dr. Seuss Book Title Edition).
1) Oh, the Places You’ll Go! – As a meat-eater, the world is a pristine tablecloth ready for you to tower over it with a full rack of barbecue ribs to your right and a 32oz. sweet tea to your left. Etiquette and pleasantries are thrown to the wind as you unsheathe the bone from its honey-smoked protectorate, devouring the later as quickly as you can discard the former. Soon to follow is the requisite lip-licking and finger-sucking, like a young rottweiler nursing its wounds after a date with the pack’s alpha male.
No matter where your travels may take you, from the Kyungdong Shijang Market in Seoul to a Ruby Tuesday in Gary, Indiana, you’ll always find an animal that’s a few links below you on the food chain — seasoned, sauced, sliced, and sauteed. The same can’t be said for non-meat-eaters. Whether it’s a vacation, night on the town, dinner for two at home, or family reunion, every eating decision is prefaced by a visit to Yelp or a skim of the recipe to ensure that it will fit the self-imposed dietary restrictions.
So venture forth young chicken connoisseurs and Angus artisans. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you to eat it.
2) Green Eggs and Ham – Imagine this scenario. You’re out late with your crew, partaking in one too many beverages, and find yourself waking up the next morning with a colossal hangover. Your remedy? Sustenance and matter, preferably through an IV.
But if you’re all out of clean needles and liquified lobster tail, perhaps your next best bet is a ham, egg, and cheese biscuit. The grease acts as a natural antibody for the invading alcohol virus, sending the cells back from whence they came. It’s science.
You might be saying to yourself, ‘wouldn’t just an egg and cheese biscuit work?’ Yes, it would work. But only if you were a meat-eater and the deli was out of ham, bacon, and sausage. If you’re eating eggs or cheese and you’re a self-proclaimed vegetarian, you’re wrong. That also goes for wearing leather, going to the circus, using most soaps, shampoos, and conditioners, having tires on your car, and oh yeah, FIREWORKS.
Now you’re just spitting in the face of our Founding Fathers, who valiantly fought to bring us to the top of the food chain.
3) One Fish, Two Fish, Red, Fish, Blue Fish – As a meat eater, you get variety. A cow has no less than twelve different cuts of meat, each one with its unique color, texture, and taste. Tofu has one color – bland, one texture – aerated Gak, and one taste – awful.
With meat, the possibilities are endless. You want your meat deep fried and stuffed between two donuts? Done. You want your bacon to form a trough? Only if you’re adding a delicious mixture of Mexican meat delicacies and topping it off with a healthy serving of Four Loko.
Hell, there’s even a class of meat for the AGE the beast was on it’s death-birthday. Veal is as tender as it is delicious. You catch it at the perfect time in a cow’s life – aged just enough so it has a little meat on its bones but slaughtered for your benefit before it enters its adolescent years of drugs and promiscuous sex. I like my cow free of black tar heroin remnants and bovine strains of the clap. Ergo, I like my veal.
4) I Am NOT Going to Get Up Today! – With nothing other than my own observances and incredulous attitude towards scientific studies that may prove otherwise, doesn’t it seem that people with non-traditional diets are ALWAYS getting sick?
Take a look as Ashton Kutcher, who adopted the “all fruit” diet in homage to the man he’ll be portraying in his next film, Steve Jobs. While his physical reaction to the diet was another item for the “No Shit Sherlock” file for the most of us, Oscar Saurus Rex (an ironic name for this column’s purposes) on “30 Bananas a Day” questioned where Ashton may have gone wrong. Was it a lack of calories? Bad food combining? Or maybe the people at Chinese Foooood spit in his General Tsos after he got violent against a helpless customer service advocate? Or maybe YOU WERE EATING NOTHING BUT FRUIT AND SUPPLEMENTED THE DIET YOU HAD FOR THE FIRST 34 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE BY EATING 30 BANANAS A DAY!
Going “natural” is unnatural. Eat regular and you’ll poop regular. That’s my credo.
5) Yertle the Turtle – Actually, come to think of it, don’t eat turtles. That’s fucked up dude.
Ever get down on yourself because of your weight? Feel that perhaps you shouldn’t eat that extra cookie despite the fact that it can’t stop giving you that seductive glance from across the room? Convince yourself that tomorrow will be the day you go to the gym because today you are just too tired? Well fear no more my overweight comrades; Fat Tony is here to help you come to the realization that U Ain’t Fat!
Who is Fat Tony you ask? No, I’m not talking about the recurring character from the Simpsons that continually reminds us that Italian mobster stereotypes are hilarious. But I am speaking rather of Anthony Lawson Jude Ifeanyichukwu Obiawunaotu, better known as Fat Tony, the underground rapper from Houston who has some absolute classics to his name. His discography includes his ground breaking debut RABDARGAB and its controversial follow up, SCREWDARGAB. His next album is rumored to be titled WTFIAMDOINGLOLZ, and from what I hear, it is epic.
Fat Tony has worked with some of the titans in the game, including Tom Cruz, Das Racist, Juiceboxxx and Blunt Fang. But I am not here today to throw more praise on the rapper that won Houston Press Music Awards’ Best Underground Hip Hop award three years in a row. I am here to analyze what some may consider the greatest rap video of all time, “Nigga U Ain’t Fat.” I hope to be able to draw on my vast wealth of underground Houston hip hop knowledge as well as my intricate know-how of video production and quality to provide you with everything you need to know moving forward with your life after watching this video. Without further ado, I bring you the best thing you are going to watch all day.
A virtuoso performance like that needs time to germinate, like a fine French cheese*. I will sit here and let that video soak in for a moment before I delve in too fast. OK, now that you have had time to gather yourself; HOLY-FUCKING-SHIT HOW AWESOME WAS THAT!? I think I know the question that is on all of your minds. Is Fat Tony prescient? Can he see into the future? How else could he have predicted the bath salt, Zombie induced outbreak? I feel like I will never have to experience bath salts first hand because Fat Tony just took me on a magic roller coaster ride that I may never fully recover from. Let’s break down this thing, step by step, with an ad hoc running diary of my thoughts as I watch the video.
*I honestly don’t know what germination is or if it has anything to do with French cheese, but it sounded right so I went with it.