As the resident rap expert on staff, I feel that it is my duty to inform our dear readers from time to time about some of the masterpieces being produced in one of the most misunderstood genres of music. Rap has been much maligned since its inception some 40 years ago. Many have slandered its good name, saying that its culture promotes misogyny, drug use, and violence. Other complaints lobbed at rap include its pension for unintelligible lyrics, its lack of musical integrity, and its total disregard for lyrical cohesion. But I am here today to tell you, dear PO Life reader, that the heroes the rap game deserve are here to save the day. Juicy J, Lil Wayne, and 2 Chainz bring the rap game back to its lyrical and meaningful roots; to finally bring integrity back to the genre after Biggie and Tupac ran off to a desert island together died, Jay-Z decided to marry that succubus he calls a wife, and Outkast decided they wanted to pull a Simon and Garfunkal and break up.
Similar to the wildly popular Fat Tony video, I am going to go through a running diary of, “Bands a Make Her Dance” by Juicy J, Weezy, and 2 Chainz. But this time, things will be a little different. There is no real video out for the song, so I am just going to dissect the lyrics to this masterpiece. The video is posted below so you can follow along with me. One rule though: I am, under no circumstances, allowed to actually look up the lyrics to the song; I am freeballing this one like Rudy on a Sunday afternoon. And like always, we will be going with the remix, because, well fuck you that’s why.
Ever get down on yourself because of your weight? Feel that perhaps you shouldn’t eat that extra cookie despite the fact that it can’t stop giving you that seductive glance from across the room? Convince yourself that tomorrow will be the day you go to the gym because today you are just too tired? Well fear no more my overweight comrades; Fat Tony is here to help you come to the realization that U Ain’t Fat!
Who is Fat Tony you ask? No, I’m not talking about the recurring character from the Simpsons that continually reminds us that Italian mobster stereotypes are hilarious. But I am speaking rather of Anthony Lawson Jude Ifeanyichukwu Obiawunaotu, better known as Fat Tony, the underground rapper from Houston who has some absolute classics to his name. His discography includes his ground breaking debut RABDARGAB and its controversial follow up, SCREWDARGAB. His next album is rumored to be titled WTFIAMDOINGLOLZ, and from what I hear, it is epic.
Fat Tony has worked with some of the titans in the game, including Tom Cruz, Das Racist, Juiceboxxx and Blunt Fang. But I am not here today to throw more praise on the rapper that won Houston Press Music Awards’ Best Underground Hip Hop award three years in a row. I am here to analyze what some may consider the greatest rap video of all time, “Nigga U Ain’t Fat.” I hope to be able to draw on my vast wealth of underground Houston hip hop knowledge as well as my intricate know-how of video production and quality to provide you with everything you need to know moving forward with your life after watching this video. Without further ado, I bring you the best thing you are going to watch all day.
A virtuoso performance like that needs time to germinate, like a fine French cheese*. I will sit here and let that video soak in for a moment before I delve in too fast. OK, now that you have had time to gather yourself; HOLY-FUCKING-SHIT HOW AWESOME WAS THAT!? I think I know the question that is on all of your minds. Is Fat Tony prescient? Can he see into the future? How else could he have predicted the bath salt, Zombie induced outbreak? I feel like I will never have to experience bath salts first hand because Fat Tony just took me on a magic roller coaster ride that I may never fully recover from. Let’s break down this thing, step by step, with an ad hoc running diary of my thoughts as I watch the video.
*I honestly don’t know what germination is or if it has anything to do with French cheese, but it sounded right so I went with it.