We get a lot of fan mail here at The PO Life. As the resident ladies man, I frequently get asked for advice on how win over the opposite sex. Below you will find a sure-fire set of instructions to picking up chicks that has been perfected by years of successful encounters. For your convenience, I’ve broken the advice into visual and auditory categories. These are the only perceivable senses that females have, so they are the focus. You may find that implementing some of these suggestions is easier than others, however, I must insist that you fully immerse yourself in this lesson and become the Bro depicted in these methods. Doing so will allow you to gain entry to the bedroom of any woman you desire. So, without further ado, I give you Five Ways to Get Chicks, Bro
Advice you never asked for by someone who probably shouldn’t be providing any...
If you live in the Mid-West or Mid-Atlantic areas, there’s a good chance you had a strange weekend. For those of you outside the area who haven’t been keeping up with the weather around the nation’s capital*, some weird shit went down. Thanks to some record breaking heat, everyone in the DMV area learned what a Derecho is. Essentially, it’s a heat and humidity fueled storm that acts like a tornado if the wind doesn’t swirl. Popular accounts, including my own**, tell of a storm that appears suddenly, with little or no warning. Out of nowhere come winds as strong as 80-90 MPH. Within minutes, the rain and lightning start, followed by the massive power outages. Finally, the storm disappears after only a few minutes, as suddenly as it appeared.
*You mean Washington DC isn’t the center of the universe? Who knew?
**That’s right, I think I’m popular.
If you’ll permit me, I’m going to get sappy for a minute. I had a lot of reasons that I wanted to hold the Groomsman Games. The competition was as great, as expected. The shit-talking was epic and endless (as you can tell from the recaps and the comments, we’ll get a lot of milage out of this). However, the number one reason that I wanted to host the Games was the company. These guys have been the best of friends and it didn’t feel quite right to shortchange any of them by simply elevating one and putting the rest underneath him. Instead, the Games gave us an opportunity to share some really great times with some great friends and make memories that will last a lifetime.
Alright, that’s enough sap for one recap. Below you will find the Groomsman Games recap in superlative form:
Now, you may be thinking to yourself: “These groomsman games are the most egregious case of self indulgent, narcissistic broism that I’ve ever seen!”
I’d have trouble making an argument against that case. The Groomsman games are, without a doubt, a case of bro-love taken way too far (not to be confused with other instances of bro love going too far). Well, I figure if we’re going to bro it out, there’s one event we can’t avoid: a beer pong tournament.
For those of you that have been following this blog from the beginning (so what if it was three weeks ago?), you know that I’m an avid runner. With seven marathons, a few 10 milers and 10Ks, and a zombie survival race (more on 2012’s iteration to follow later this Fall) on my running resume, I’ve probably spent well over 1,000 hours pounding the pavement.
The first rule of running that every non-pretentious/elitist runner will tell you is that having a legit playlist is paramount to a successful run. It can change your entire outlook on the run, before, during, and especially after. But what fills the awkward seconds of silence between this and this? Without further ado, here are five things that run through my mind when I’m out running.
My gambling habit started at an early age. My mother used poker as a way to teach me about statistics and probability when I was in elementary school. I grew up watching great movies like The Sting and Maverick where poker was shown as a game of skill and a way of life. Not much changed when we started congregating at Mac’s house. We started out playing mostly 5 card draw, 7 card stud, and a 3 card draw that we learned from Lock Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels. Of course, it wasn’t long before we learned that the World Series of Poker played Texas hold ‘em and we saw Rounders for the first time. What had started as a way to pass the time and engage our overactive competitive sides turned into a part of our daily lives, no different than brushing our teeth or doing our homework*.
*Scratch that, I definitely played way more poker than I did homework.
For the uninitiated, Diablo II is one of the greatest games in the history of video games. DII (not to be confused with D2) combines a loose plot, mindless repetition, and endless collecting into an orgy of time-wasting that can be enjoyed ad nauseam. The game was first introduced to the world and to PO in the year 2000. We got our money’s worth, playing pretty regularly for the next two years. By the time 2003 rolled around, we had conquered every hurdle and were ready to move on… or so we thought.
Some rules were meant to be broken. Not all rules; most laws are well-intentioned. Except for this one in my very own Commonwealth of Virginia. Do you know how hard it is to find 100 square inches of solid reflectorized material at shoulder level visible from 360 degrees while still looking like a total badass? Impossible.
But when someone of titular authority goes the extra mile to block me from experiencing the joys of life, I usually return the favor by going out of my way to break their barriers of red tape.
Enter, the 2012 Boston Marathon.