You, Me, and RGIII – The Chosen One

Your weekly recap of the biggest thing to hit Washington since George.

It’s RGesus!

In last week’s installment of, “You, me, and RGIII,” we heard from Rudy, a Redskins fan in his absolute infancy waxing poetic on his coming over to the ‘dark side*’ of things and joining in Skins nation. He was high on burgundy-infused touchdowns and drunk on our golden boy, Robert Griffin III. Things could not have started off better for Rudy or the several thousand other bandwagon fans that are jumping on the RGIII-led train. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for the new fans. When was the last time anybody ever wanted to join the Redskins bandwagon? When was the last time this town was as excited for a season as this? Keep them coming! But seriously, if you jump on after this year, you will forever be considered fake and I will never accept your fandom as legitimate.

*How anybody could pretend being a Redskins fan nowadays as being part of the dark side is beyond me. We have been irrelevant for what feels like centuries, we have a new charismatic superstar who is supposed to bring balance to the force, and our owner is a maniacal, power hungry leader. Wait, shit….

I, on the other hand, am a hardened, bitter, but eternally optimistic Redskins veteran. And predictably, the Redskins brought me to the highest high I have felt for years to then proceed to tear out my heart, Temple of Doom style, all over again. Will I ever learn? Probably not, but that is half the fun.

Rudy learned his first tough lesson in the second game of the season: a small part of what it truly means to be a Redskins fan. After jumping to a 21-6 lead, the burgundy and gold proceeded to shit the bed against a bad team and give away the game in the last 35 minutes with a blocked punt, a Swiss cheese defense that Merkyll and I could have torn apart playing flag football, and one of the most boneheaded plays in recent NFL memory. Welcome aboard Rudy! It’s pretty much this way for 17 weeks a year.

As far as our boy RGIII is concerned? Well, he came to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and fortunately, he was all out of bubble gum. He ended the day with 288 yards of total offense with 3 TD’s, but also threw a rookie-like interception. As a fan, I could not be more excited for the prospects in the future with this kid. He is electric, dynamic, strong, blazingly fast, and an absolute leader on the field. Off the field, he is charismatic, enthralling, personable, and overall a pretty humble kid. There is literally nothing not to like about him. Now, we just have to hope that he stays healthy for his career, something he won’t be able to do if he keeps getting hit like he has these past two weeks.

I think next week will be a good test of RGIII and his resiliency. Will he be able to bounce back from a tough loss and a game that the Redskins should have won? Will he be able to avoid the big hits he took the past two weeks and look to protect himself more? Will he win 2, 3, or 4 Super Bowls in his first 5 years on the Redskins? Only time will tell. Until next week fans, keep on Griffining!


You, Me, and RGIII – A Football Move to the Dark Side

Your weekly recap of the biggest thing to hit Washington since George.

“Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”

I really didn’t want to kick start our weekly RGIII/Redskins commentary with a quote from a Star Wars prequel, but it was unavoidable. Life demands overarching rules (like not quoting any George Lucas film directed after 1977) that apply to all situations. It frees yourself of knee-jerk reactions based on emotional reasoning. And, according to Obi-Wan, it puts you on the path to shooting lightning out of your hands. Which is fucking awesome.

One of my absolutes relates to sports. From an early age, I determined that I should always keep a finite list of athletes that I could never rationalize donning my favorite team’s colors. This list, officially dubbed the Sith List, would certainly turn over as time progressed, funneling out aging veterans in the twilight of their careers and cycling in young guns that will serve as my outlet for voicing pent up, misdirected frustration for years to come. In the event that any of my teams would ever trade for one of these players, I would turn on my master, the only family I’ve ever had, and the society that brought me in as one of their own. I would become a Sith.

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The Friday Five – Five Signs That Cliff is Back from Afghanistan

It’s common knowledge among our longtime followers and 18 facebook likers that one of the most beloved PO Life contributors, Cliff, has been deployed since February. From February up until now, everyone at The PO Life has lived a life of normalcy. But that’s all about to change. At time of print, Cliff was safely en route back to America, finishing his second and final tour of duty in Afghanistan.

For better or worse, having Cliff back stateside is sure to usher in a wave of changes. In this week’s edition of The Friday Five, we’re highlighting the Five Signs That Cliff is Back from Afghanistan, penned in a team effort by those that know him best: the writing staff of The PO Life.

Welcome back Cliff… I guess.

Cliff Cardboard Cutout

Clifford: Fighting for freedom. And also our right to party.

1) Eli’s Mom Has an Extra Mouth to Feed – by Eli and McCannon

Eli – I am one of four so my mother has been cooking large meals for my whole life. She’s a solid cook who loves little more than feeding groups of ravenous mouths. For years our house was a spot where the neighborhood kids could go to get stuffed. Alan and Rudy are regulars at our Thanksgiving meals. McCannon has made his way over for the only meal he eats (pizza). Easily the most overfed of my friends, however, was Cliff. Pretty much any time we would hang out he would ask what leftovers were hanging out in our family fridge or what my mom was cooking for dinner. He would pop over to the house, suck up to my mother*, and proceed to demolish the Costco-sized portions that were placed in front of him. Now that my parents are empty nesters, my mother is stuck cooking meals for two. Once Cliff is back, she can start cooking for six again. Her and my dad will each eat one portion, Cliff can eat four.

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In Case You Missed it: How to fix the economy, a donkey assassin, Reddit rises and the Holocaust didn’t happen

I hope everyone enjoyed their Labor Day weekend (and the week before) because now it’s time to catch up on everything you missed. Let’s all clear a half hour of our day to peruse links on another episode of In Case You Missed It.

We’re kind of married to this title now but you definitely missed a lot of this stuff and, unlike the former author, I don’t feel like being passive about letting you know it. This story about the Holocaust denier? No way you knew about it. The mayor who got killed by a donkey? I bet that one’s new.

A month ending also means it’s time for one of those fail compilations – it’s hilarious. And there’s only one piece of shark news this week. I know. I’m sorry.

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Friday Five (Holiday Edition) – Five Reasons That It’s Great To Be A Hokie

I’ve talked to some Hokies about Friday’s VT bashing column and the reactions ranged from annoyed to genuinely angered. They wanted to know why the post was necessary and what I was going to do about it. The post was “necessary” because the only thing Rudy loves more than himself is stirring up trouble and getting a rise out of people. That’s a large part of why this little blog was started so if you read, you’d better get used to it.

This kid is not happy with Rudy’s Friday Five…

As for the second question: what am I going to do about it? At first, I figured the best thing to do was not to dignify it with a response. Frankly, as Rudy’s attempts to get under my skin go, this ranks somewhere near the bottom. The whole post screams “inferiority complex” and the fact that he felt it needed to be posted in the first place proves its fallacy. After a while though, I changed my mind. I figured, if we’re going to turn this thing into a fanboy cheering section, I might as well take this opportunity to toot the Hokies’ horn a bit. Now, you may notice that unlike Rudy, I prefer not to make myself feel better by trying to tear down someone out of jealousy. I don’t need to belittle other local institutions to make myself feel important. I prefer to build. Virginia Tech has a multitude of endearing qualities and therefore can rest on its own laurels and beam at its own accomplishments. So, in preparation for today’s opening game, here are my top five reasons that it’s great to be a Hokie.

For this column, I’m leaving it all out on the field.

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The Friday Five – Five Reasons Your College Football Team (Especially JMU) is More Tolerable Than Virginia Tech

It’s that time of the year again. School’s back in session and while most of us are looking in the rear view mirror watching our glory days fade into the horizon, a lucky few are still living on cloud nine without a care in the world. To the wunderkinds that still have so much potential, so much to live for, and the naivety that a adequately-paying job is waiting for them on the other side, I say this to you:

As the cold grey walls of my cubicle paint a panoramic landscape only favorable to House Stark and the Night’s Watch, my thoughts venture a hundred miles away to a beautiful, lush prairie. Nestled at the intersection of Utopia and Shangri-La, warmed by the rays of Apollo himself and, in turn, cooled by the shades of the Hanging Gardens, Bridgeforth Stadium rises like a temple to the gods of James Madison Football lore. Names like Rascati and LeZotte, Jordan and Landers, (and let’s not forget Scott Norwood) echo in the hallways, their names etched into the very foundations of the monument built in their namesake.

It’s become a true testament to how far we’ve come. But no matter how much the Dukes continue to invest into the program, the big brother down the road will always beat its chest and proclaim gridiron dominance. And not in a salt-of-the-earth kind of way where superior play and outmatched athleticism are given their days in the court of pigskin objectivity. Instead, it’s delivered with an overzealous sting that’s baptized in hubris and consummated within 15 seconds of interacting with any alum. With few local rivals to squash the inevitable annual pre-season hype, spending any amount of time with a Hokie in August or September is simply intolerable.

So without further ado, football fans, here are the five reasons why your college football team (especially JMU) is more tolerable than Virginia Tech.

1) You Own More Than Two Different Colors of T-Shirts – Now, I want to preface this by saying that orange is above and beyond my favorite color. In fact, I just bought an obnoxious pair of Brooks PureConnects in bright orange and it’s arguably been the greatest purchase of my life already. It dates back to my undying love for Michelangelo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. ‘Cause, ya know, he’s a party dude.

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Rap’s Resurrection: “Why Bands a Make Her Dance” is the Song that Will Save Rap Music

As the resident rap expert on staff, I feel that it is my duty to inform our dear readers from time to time about some of the masterpieces being produced in one of the most misunderstood genres of music. Rap has been much maligned since its inception some 40 years ago. Many have slandered its good name, saying that its culture promotes misogyny, drug use, and violence. Other complaints lobbed at rap include its pension for unintelligible lyrics, its lack of musical integrity, and its total disregard for lyrical cohesion. But I am here today to tell you, dear PO Life reader, that the heroes the rap game deserve are here to save the day. Juicy J, Lil Wayne, and 2 Chainz bring the rap game back to its lyrical and meaningful roots; to finally bring integrity back to the genre after Biggie and Tupac ran off to a desert island together died, Jay-Z decided to marry that succubus he calls a wife, and Outkast decided they wanted to pull a Simon and Garfunkal and break up.

This is actually the most normal picture of Juicy J I could find.

Similar to the wildly popular Fat Tony video, I am going to go through a running diary of, “Bands a Make Her Dance” by Juicy J, Weezy, and 2 Chainz. But this time, things will be a little different. There is no real video out for the song, so I am just going to dissect the lyrics to this masterpiece. The video is posted below so you can follow along with me. One rule though: I am, under no circumstances, allowed to actually look up the lyrics to the song; I am freeballing this one like Rudy on a Sunday afternoon. And like always, we will be going with the remix, because, well fuck you that’s why.

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In Case You Missed It: Breaking Bad is overrated, Tequila insanity, Not a good week for Armstrongs

Good afternoon. I just returned from the middle of nowhere and subsequently had no knowledge of anything that happened in the news the past week – what’s your excuse? Well, I just caught myself up on a bunch of last week’s events and am bringing you a litany of information you might not have known. Read forth:

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The Friday Five: The Five People I Would Most Like to Meet

Tonight most of The PO Life crew had a softball game.  We lost in a heartbreaker, squashing any chance at the playoffs and really putting our collective athletic prowess into a realistic and humbling framework.   About an hour before the game I was walking into a California Pizza Kitchen when I bumped into none other than the Chosen One, Bryce Harper.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: “Bryce, (as I reach out for a handshake) it has been a real pleasure watching you play this year.”
Bryce: “Thanks man, that really means a lot” (while moving a plastic bag full of what seemed like a barbeque chicken pizza to his left hand).
Me: “Good luck the rest of the year.”
Bryce Harper: “I appreciate it”.

That was the entire conversation.

But you know what was a weird feeling?  I was truly star struck.  This kid is 19 years, he has never spent a day at a University (Not counting this, he says things like “That’s a clown question bro” and wears t-shirts with the words “BEAST MODE” in huge black letters across them, and yet he is such a celebrity to me that the entire encounter with him is almost a blur, some strange distant reality that I had to text all my friends about and immediately bring up upon entering the softball field (and of course introduce the Friday Five with).  What does this say about me as a person? Am I so ordinary that the mere sight of someone that significant literally puts me into a daze? I suppose so.  The entire concept of celebrity is really laughable when you think about it, but I am as intrigued as the next guy.  I digress; American’s obsession with the concept of “fame” is another topic for another day (and clearly a topic that shouldn’t be addressed by me as I am just a contributing member of the insatiable masses).  I should also note that for what its worth Bryce seemed like a really nice guy.

More importantly, the meeting with the Chosen One got me thinking – is Bryce Harper the biggest celebrity I have ever met?  I met Joe Paterno once, (insert some strange pedophiliac-themed joke referencing everything from Jerry Sandusky to Kitty Genovese here…. too soon? (Kitty, not Jerry) Either way, meeting JoePa didn’t really mean anything to me at the time because I was so young.  I actually think Bryce Harper might be the biggest celebrity I have ever met…if there is some strange people met/celebrities met calculation, I believe I would belong in the “Holy Shit Bryce Harper is the Most Famous Person You Have Ever Met?” category.

All these considerations inspired today’s Friday Five.  Since the top of my list is Bryce Harper – what would be the ultimate list?  In the words of Plato; let us begin again – The Five People I Would Most Like to Meet:

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The DC Earthquake: Never Forget, Never Again

August 23, 2011. It began like any other day, ostensibly forgetful in the interminable loop of Corporate America’s ruthless drubbing on the souls of the Entitled Generation. But, like numerous nefarious numbers that not only nauseate us but also navigate us to the nadir of our emotional nexuses, 8/23 would nail itself into national notoriety (Alliteration Count: 11 – new P.R.!).

At approximately 1:51 EDT, while many grasped at the straws of the last nine minutes of their lunch break looking for something to fill the emptiness of a pre-PO-Life world, terror struck the eastern seaboard. Four miles below the surface of simple Louisa County, Virginia, home to roughly the same number of people as undergraduates at the University of Colorado-Boulder, the Earth’s tectonic plates began their best R. Kelly impersonations. Ordinarily, a quake of this magnitude would be categorized as an afternoon rumble. By Californian’s standards, it’s the Richter scale equivalent of Jessica Simpson’s stomach growl upon entering a Jack-in-the-Box.

But DC doesn’t share the same indifference towards fault-line friction as Mr. Kelly. We’re the epicenter of a unique dichotomy of inaction and overreaction. We pride ourselves in log-jamming any type of movement towards accomplishing anything for which we cannot attribute an additional vote. We stop letting federal employees *cough* Eli *cough* go to afternoon Nationals games because SOMEONE had to go and blow a bunch of taxpayer dollars on a bicycle building team-building event. And, we get super passive aggressive over 225 year old laws.

So with no earthquake procedures in place, havoc broke loose. The streets of downtown Washington became indistinguishable from those of Tripoli. Even The Washington Post’s cover photo was ambiguous. Are those two Libyan women fleeing rebel forces? Or two GS-12s finding solace in each other’s warm embrace?

8/23, like so many other infamous dates in American history, exposed our cushy lifestyles and lack of preparedness. However earthquakes, unlike other disasters in the Sim City 2000 rolodex, offer little to no early warning signs. There is no miracle fix, like the terrorism threat level color chart which taught us that the difference between a high threat level and a severe threat level is only a few nanometers on the visible light spectrum.

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