The Friday Five: Five Ways to Get Chicks, Bro

We get a lot of fan mail here at The PO Life. As the resident ladies man, I frequently get asked for advice on how win over the opposite sex. Below you will find a sure-fire set of instructions to picking up chicks that has been perfected by years of successful encounters. For your convenience, I’ve broken the advice into visual and auditory categories. These are the only perceivable senses that females have, so they are the focus. You may find that implementing some of these suggestions is easier than others, however, I must insist that you fully immerse yourself in this lesson and become the Bro depicted in these methods. Doing so will allow you to gain entry to the bedroom of any woman you desire. So, without further ado, I give you Five Ways to Get Chicks, Bro

1) Slip how much you can bench press into conversations early and often, Eli style (Auditory Method #1) – Chicks need to know that you’re a man, and the fact that you can lift weights with your chest muscles proves that. Now I know you might be thinking that finding a way to subtly weave this into conversation can be difficult, but it’s not. Honestly, it just takes practice. I’ll give you an example of how I did it recently. Cliff and I were at a party and he was chatting up this chick that was clearly out of his league. To keep the world in balance, I decided to slip in and woo her away. I enter the conversation as Cliff says:

Cliff (to chick): “Would you maybe want to go outside and talk more on the bench?”
Me: “Did you say bench press? Yeah, I’m pretty buff. How much can you bench, Cliff?”
Cliff: “I don’t kno-”
Me: “That’s cool I can bench more.”

There are two important things to note about the exchange. First, the subtlety. It’s important that you wait for the conversation to naturally move towards benches. Second, did you see how I one-upped Cliff? That was awesome. Definitely do that to any dudez that are around. Chicks dig an alpha male. I ended up sleeping with this girl in Cliff’s bed, while he slept on the couch alone.

Ronald gets down on the reg, thanks to his phenomenally toned musculature

2) Talk about how much money you make (Auditory method #2) – Girls don’t want no scrub. They want someone who can buy them shit. But how will they know if you’re rich if you don’t directly tell them? They won’t. Here’s a line that always works for me: “Have you ever slept with a multibillionaire?” Again, note the subtlety.

3) Maintain longer than appropriate eye contact with girls in the gym (Visual method #1) – There’s not too much to this trick. Girls like to be looked at while they’re working out. It’s the only reason they go to the gym. How do you know how long is long enough to stare? Once you think, “Have I been staring long enough?” stare at them for exactly ten minutes longer. Eventually they’ll be forced to ask,”Can I help you with something?”. That’s all it takes. You’re in. It may seem innocent but in reality, “Can I help you with something?” is girl talk for, “Can I please have sex with your penis?”

Try to use this exact face when doing your sexy stare

4) Automobile etiquette (Visual method #2) – This one is actually something of a visual/auditory hybrid. It involves anything you can do with a car that is bro in nature. Chicks are really into cars. But anyone can drive a car (except for Asians obvi) so you have to prove that you’re an exceptional bro by going above and beyond. Here’s where revving your engine in front of, and honking at girls comes into play. I know you’ve seen people doing it and prob thought that it’s idiotic, but let me let you in on a little secret: it totally works. It’s actually been proven that revving your engine in front of a girl increases your chances of scoring by 37%. If the chick is wearing a Maroon 5 shirt, these odds increase to 89.6% (Honking at chicks is a little less effective but still entirely sufficient for HJ’s). Where did I get these stats, you may ask. Just a little place called the University of Science.

5) Post as many shirtless self-portraits of yourself to Facebook as is humanly possible (Visual method #3) – Facebook exists for the sole purpose of bragging about yourself. You know it, I know it, and all of your virtual “friends” know it. Take advantage of this fact and post as many self-portraits that highlight your buffness as possible. It definitely won’t make you come across as a self-centered ego-freak and definitely will get you laid. I currently average anywhere from 30 to 65 shirtless photo posts per day and am literally swimming in virtual female adoration- get on my level. If you do have to wear a shirt, go buy yourself some lacrosse gear and wear it at all times. There’s literally nothing in existence more bro than the sport of lacrosse.

So there you have it. Five tried and true strategies for absolutely slaying chicks. Use the information in this how-to wisely and you will see your sexposure increase ten-fold. Also, if you have any guaranteed methods of your own we’d love to hear about them in the comments section.


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