Kno Yo PO – Bart Edition

Welcome to another riveting edition of Kno Yo PO – your weekly examination of the guys behind the guys behind the guys of your favorite time-killing blog. This week, we feature Bart.

1. Which Hogwarts house would you be in and why?

Bart: Some people live in denial. Some people live in fear. I have known that this question would arrive, so I am prepared. Let the jokes start coming… “Bart, you are the definition of Hufflepuff. Hah. Haha.” It is only when you can truly embrace your own strengths that you are truly strong. That is why I am Gryffindor. While short in stature and fluffy in nature, I can beat you in wizard chess and lead true in my allegiance.

The PO Life:

Eli: Nice try Hufflepuff.

Mac: Bart, you are the definition of Hufflepuff.

Cliff: Really Bart?  You’re almost certainly a direct descendent of Helga Hufflepuff.

Joey: Not only should you be in Hufflepuff, you actually look like something that would be called a Hufflepuff. The word just IS you.

Rudy: Bart, not only are you not making into Hufflepuff, I’m not sure you’re even qualified to attend Smeltings.

Dudley’s agape mouth is a stunning parallel to Bart’s everyday facial expression

2. What irrational fear dominates your life?

Bart: While my slight vertigo might prevent me from jumping out of a building, it doesn’t dominate my life. My real fear, and it’s not even quite a fear but an unpleasant feeling I get, is L’esprit d’escalie. It’s the predicament of coming up with a comeback/comment after the conversation has ended. I think I’d be actually be funny if I could retroactively make comments, but instead I sulk into a feeling of self-pity.

The PO Life:

Eli: The Jerk Store called, they’re running out of YOU!

Alan: Everyone suffers from staircase wit. If you can’t open up to the internet about your fears, who can you open up to?

Joey: The ever present fear that his girlfriend will wake from her “Shallow Hal” type trance.

3. What was you most stylish look?

Bart: My most stylish look had to have been when I crashed my friend’s sisters wedding reception. I showed up in an electric blue button-down, freshly pressed with light starch. Don’t overdo the starch! It was a solid color, so I of course had to wear a patterned tie, and this time I went with the orange and white diaganolly striped tie. If you want to look fly, but you don’t wear a tie clip, you will only be a scrub, TLC style. Finally, to top off the look, I wore a houndstooth suit, tailored to fit me right (40 short). Cuff links were borrowed, but still were stunning. The only thing I was missing was a stylish moustachio.

The PO Life:

Eli: That was stylish as hell and we all know that Bart suits up like a champ but his most stylish look was his frosted mop from high school. He basically looked exactly like the blonde caddy in Happy Gilmore (not the homeless guy who also starred in Grandma’s Boys).

Eddy: You do rock a suit better than most. You looked pretty fly when you ordered that medium sweatshirt with the unicorn stencil, thinking it would make you look buff, and finding that you couldn’t actually zip it up.

Rudy: The phrases “to top off the look” and “tailored 40 short suit” have never been used in the same sentence before, with one exception: “If you’re wearing a tailored 40 short suit to top off [your] look, you’re a baby back bitch.”

Joey: Definitely red athletic shorts, tight blue shirt, high work socks, and back brace. Sex personified.

4. Who would you have rather been growing up: Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year) or Billy Heywood (Little Big League)?

Bart: Unless I don’t recall the endings to the movies correctly, I think this is an easy answer. I would much rather own a baseball team (Billy Heyward) over a 1-year stint as a major league pitcher. Child star? Who has that worked out for? Danny Bonaduccio is now famous for being crazy, Brittney Spears…she is still hot, and then there is NPH. Well, NPH is the man.

If I owned a baseball team, I would have so many other perks than just the 1-year stint. I would OWN a baseball team. I sure as hell wouldn’t sign Bobby Bonilla through 2035, nor would I sign Jayson Werth to any contract over 3 years.

Finally, if I was Billy Heyward, I wouldn’t have to have Gary Busey in my life. Ever.

The PO Life:

Eddy: You can’t keep up with my managerial skills in fantasy baseball. What make you think you could do it at age 12, and at the professional level?

Alan: You would pass up getting Daniel Stern trapped between hotel room dividers to manage a baseball team? And I thought I knew you…

5. Charmander, Squirtle, or Bulbasaur?

Bart: Even though the first gym against Brock was always tough, I was always a Bulbasaur master. There are so many better fire (Flareon) Pokemon and water (Gyrados) Pokemon. Skull Bash and Hyper Beam = WIN. GG no re.

The PO Life:

Eli: You would go with the grass Pokemon.

Eddy: I never got on board with you guys and the Pokemon trend. For two years you all were obsessed with it and I couldn’t hang out with you. I still resent each and every one of you for liking Pokemon.

Mac: Anyone who doesn’t choose Charmander is un-American and will receive NO ENDORSEMENT OF MINE.

Rudy: You sound like the kind of guy who would rename his character from “Ash” to “Asshat” and lead Pokemon from “Bulbasaur” to “Buttasaur”.

Joey: What a noob answer. Not because Bulbasaur isn’t the tits (he was always my starting Pokemon too), but because Brock uses all rock type Pokemon and grass is SUPER EFFECTIVE against rock. So he would have been stupid easy using Bulbasaur. LEARN POKEMON OR GTFO.

6. Aladdin’s genie shows up. What are your 3 wishes? Same rules: no killing, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead (it’s not a pretty picture, he doesn’t like doing it)

Bart: I want to take this question seriously. Imagine, 3 wishes for nearly ANYTHING. The possibilities are endless! I want to be able to influence people, but I don’t seek power. I want to improve the lives of people around me, but I don’t want to hurt others. I want to be able to better society, but I don’t want to be entirely selfless… otherwise where is the fun?

First, I would want the ability to redistribute wealth at will, whether it is to myself or others. This could lead to endless spending sprees on Romney’s dime, or large donations to Africa on behalf of the Hershey family.

Second, I want the knowledge to build and maintain a holodeck. For those unfamiliar, the holodeck is from the Star Trek world that enables simulated reality. To the MAX. Want to bat in the bottom of the 9th against Mariano Rivera? Done. Want to kill Hitler? Done. Want to hook up with the hot chick from high school? I just finished.

Third, I want everyone to shoot rainbows out when they fart.

No! I mean out your ass. That would just be really funny, and I think it would brighten up everyone’s life.

The PO Life:

Eli: I wish a was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a rabbit in a hit with a bat in a 64 Impala. Wait… that last one doesn’t count as a single wish? Damn! I guess the farting rainbows this is probably the way to go then.

Eddy – The economy definitely wouldn’t collapse into the deepest depression if you were in charge of wealth distribution. It’d be fine.

Alan: Where will you draw the line at too much wealth and what will you define wealth as? Do you have the power to liquidate someone’s assets? That sounds like another wish unless you think starving people really want Mercedes SUVs and luxury yachts. Lots of wealthy people don’t just have piles of cash sitting around in $-marked bags. Can you make them sell off all their stock? That’s another wish (and it’s the ability to control people). Sounds like you’re breaking your first rule of not wanting power. Taking and bestowing money gives you the ultimate power. It’s also going to take a lot of time to do that yourself. You’ve basically just wished yourself into an extremely time consuming job that won’t end until you die.

Rudy: Piggybacking off what Alan said, I fail to see how this won’t lead to having power. Phenomenal cosmic power even. Good luck with that itty bitty living space.

7. What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favorite color?

Bart: My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die

The PO Life:

Alan: Changing “die” to “[color] dye” would have fit pretty well.

Cliff: Our blog thus far has awakened me to the fact that we have no humor of our own, and that we spout movie quotes about 50% of the time we’re trying to be funny…  Don’t worry, I’m guilty of it too.

8. Who is your celebrity doppleganger?

The PO Life:

Eli – Not bad, but again, I’ve gotta go with Jared Van Snellgrove.

Look at him, he is the spitting image of a young Bart!


9. You’re kidnapped and drugged. When you wake up you have a tattoo across your face. Would you rather it be: a gigantic penis, a swastika, a hello kitty or a Chick-Fil-A logo?

Bart: Swastika. Then I could get a penis next to it, ejaculating across the swastika. Why? Because Fuck Hitler.

The PO Life:

Alan – That’s hilarious. I, for one, would still hang out with you even if you had a jizzy swastika on your forehead.

10. What will your epitaph read?

Bart: If I was wrong, I at least hope they serve beer in hell

The PO Life:

Mac: Here lies Bart — we hardly knew ye. Seriously, has anyone really gotten a handle on Bart? Dude’s a lunchbox.

Alan: Just make it sound cool. No, not that. What you write, make it sound cool. Ok, wait, stop.

Joey: Here lies Bart — Perennial out-kicker of coverage and so-so Settler of Catan.

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