That Time She Had a Wet Dream

As far as I can tell, my college experience was pretty standard. I attended classes sparsely, drank my weight in Milwaukee’s Best each weekend, and I remember more from the football games than from my lectures*. Through all of the drunken keggers, the football tailgates, the costume parties, and the dorm room blowouts, I have racked up a pretty significant count of memorable stories**. However, the story I am about to tell you is special. This is a tale of friendship and of overcoming the odds. This story, is the story of my first night at college:

*From what I can tell, the most marketable skill that I picked up was a familiarity with Microsoft Excel, which now dominates my life. For that, I’m tens of thousands of dollars in debt. At least I went to a public school.

**Some of them I even remember.

Like so many new college students, I spent most of my first day at school with my parents. They had driven me down to school in a minivan piled with all of my worldly possessions*. The day was packed with standard college activities: checking into my dorm room; hitting the bookstore; and unpacking the minivan. When the dirty work was done, my folks took me out to stock me up on food and serve me my last pre-dining hall meal**. The dinner party included my parents, my sisters, and my good friend, let’s call her “Sheila”, who tagged along because no self-respetcing college student will ever turn down a free meal.

*I’m pretty sure this included about 2 weeks’ worth of clothes and my x-box.

**Christiansburg, VA is slightly below New York and Paris on the list of cities with great food options. I think we ended up eating at the Red Lobster because the Outback had a long wait.

Scoff all you want but those cheesy biscuits are heavenly… I also suspect they may be laced with crack…

Before we go on, you should get some background on Sheila. Sheila and I had been friends for years. In high school, Sheila took care of us. She would make breakfast before big tests, write us notes for fake doctor’s appointments, and drive us to Taco Bell when we were drunk and wanted food at 2 in the morning. She was sort of like the mom of our group, except for that time she ran over Rudy’s foot* and the fact that she was dating McCannon. While we had been friends before, our friendship reached a new level on this night.

* I’m sure we’ll cover that one eventually…

On our first night away from home, Sheila and I wanted to do something adventurous. We wanted to pull out all the stops and paint the town red. Before having the night of our lives, I wanted to make a pit stop back at my dorm room. When we got there, I was shocked and disappointed to find my roommate in bed and asleep at 9:15 PM. I honestly would have been happier if he was hosting an orgy in our room. Who goes to sleep at 9:15 on their first night at school? That was definitely a bad sign.

We were disappointed but undeterred. As new kids in a new town we headed out to the craziest place we could find: A party full of people we knew from high school. A kid from my old neighborhood was hosting a Kegger complete with beer pong, flip cup, and Jell-O shots, all staples of the American higher learning experience. We drank and laughed and were merry for several hours before deciding that it was about time to hit the sack and prepare for our first day on our own. On our way back, Sheila and I decided that we’d had enough of my dorm room for the night and that I could just come back and crash with her. Her roommate would not move in until the next day so I had an open bed to sleep in. We got back to her room and almost immediately passed out, Sheila in her bed and me in her roommate’s.

Now, you may wonder: what’s the big fucking deal? I thought this was supposed to be an entertaining story of your crazy first night in college? When does the crazy shit happen? What’s the deal with the wet dream?

Patience my friend… we’re almost there.

I woke up in pitch black to the sound of a girl weeping. If this has never happened to you, it is one of the single creepiest experiences in the world. It was like something out of a bad horror movie.

SHEILA: “Eli… I’m so sorry… I couldn’t help it… Eli…”

I got up, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I looked at my phone and saw that it was about 4:00 AM and I’d gotten about 2 hours of sleep. I used the little screen on my cell phone as a flashlight and tried to find Sheila. She was hunched on the floor in front of the door, still moaning and cradling something*.

*Just a little bit disturbing…

At this point, I’m very freaked out and my energy has gone toward:

A. Consoling her and

B. Finding the light switch

When I turned the light on, I realize she was cradling my shoe… odd. There was also a puddle on the floor next to her.

ME: “Sheila, what the hell happened?”

SHEILA: “Eli… I’m sorry… I… I… I… I PEED IN YOUR SHOE!” <resumes uncontrollable wailing>

This is when I lost it.

Granted, I was asleep at the time of the act. However, my imagination has reconstructed the event to look something like this.

Apparently, Sheila is prone to strange dreams when sleeping in new places. This being the first time in her dorm room, she had dreamt that she had to pee and but couldn’t find a toilet no matter how hard she looked*. When she finally found a toilet and relieved herself, she had awoken to find herself crouching over my left shoe.

*I have had this dream several times since but thankfully, never woken up after to find a puddle in my bed… or in my shoe.

This is why, at 6:00 AM on my first morning at college, I found myself in the basement of Sheila’s dorm doing a load of laundry that included my shoes.

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