On this week’s edition of Kno Yo PO, we face our sexual confusions head on with a deep examination of the one known only, and rightfully, as “Joey Greenthumb”:
1. Which Ninja Turtle are you and why?
Joey: It’s a tough call between Donatello and Michelangelo. I do connect with Michelangelo’s free spirit, comedic relief, and crazy love for pizza, but I am not sure about his “I’m so Cali” vibe. Donatello is very much a thinker and problem solver, and seems to be very introspective, which I think is a good way to describe me. But I think the tie-breaker has to be Michelangelo’s nunchakus. So bad ass! I would fuck some dudes up with that.
The PO Life:
Eli: Joey, if you are anything it is a “party dude.” I’ve also seen what happens when you are anywhere near a pizza in “party mode.” Lets be honest though, if you busted out the nunchuks you would do more damage to yourself than any other “dudes” out there.
Mac: Sober = Donatello. Drunk = Raphael. Demanding justice left and right, being a rude dude, dropping a semi swear (“Damnnnnnnn!!!” with a zoom-out to show the full city) in a children’s movie.
Cliff: I have to counter Eli’s argument, I can see you laying waste to hordes of footmen with your nunchakus (that can’t be how that is spelled) so I think Michelangelo is the best fit.
2. If financial means/social connections weren’t an issue, how high up on the Maxim Hot 100 list could you get with?
Joey: My initial thought was to look at the list, see how high up Kesha was, and just pick her. I honestly feel that I could get with her even IF my financial means and social connections got in the way. She just seems like she would dig me (or I think she is just kind of a slut and I would be all over that). However, she isn’t on the list.
So if we are being completely honest, I would go one of two ways. Olivia Munn has been my chick FOREVER. I remember my ex getting really mad at me because I thought Olivia was super hot, and she took offense to that because, and I quote, “she isn’t hot, and that means you have bad taste, which means I’m not hot.” Whatever the fuck that means. By the way, she is #2 on the list now so go fuck yourself. Anyway, Ms. Munn is geeky, loves video games, and it’s no secret that I love Asian girls and Asian girls love me. So that’s it if I am shooting high. If not, its #21 Emma Watson. I could dazzle her with my knowledge of Harry Potter, we are roughly the same age, and I have actually gone over in my head a million times what I would do if I ever happened to run into her. I am GOLDEN if that happens.
The PO Life:
Eli: Yeah, I’m sure that “I know all about Harry Potter” pickup line would work great on Emma Watson. I’m sure she’s never heard that before. I’d just stick with the delusion that you’ve got a shot at Munn.
Mac: Uh huh…definitely.
Merkyll: The typical sound logic and practical reasoning that was a recurring theme with your ex-girlfriend. I think your best shot at Emma would be a thorough explanation of how many times you have considered exactly what you are going to say to her + your horcrux knowledge – it would be so romantic.
Cliff: Let me sum up Joey’s response to this: “I fall in love with every pretty girl I’ve ever seen- and more so if she is nerdy.”
3. Who has house Greenthumb sworn fealty to in the Seven Kingdoms?
Joey: This is the easiest question by far. Definitely the Stark’s. I actually got into a screaming match with McCannon’s sister at a crowded bar in regards to how I wanted to be Robb Stark/Ned Stark because they were such stand up gentlemen. And if you know me, you know one thing: I demand justice. Sometimes to the detriment of my relationships (read: betraying my vows to marry a smoke show a la Robb). I also am not very power hungry, so I would be totally cool hanging out in the North with my boy Robb Stark, demanding justice on Theon/Joffrey/Cersei’s heads, and getting married into the family via Arya Stark. I don’t need to rule the whole Seven Kingdoms and shit. So it is a perfect fit.
The PO Life:
Eli: All honor, no rational thought. Yeah Joey, you’d fit right in with the Starks. Might want to bundle up though because Winter is coming.
Merkyll: This question is an absolute no brainer. The second Joffrey hit the screen everyone in the room immediately said at the same time: “That kid looks exactly like Joey”. This is 100% Lannister in a second, especially the blonde hair blue eyes. Aside from that, everyone in PO questions just how reasonably you would act when a beautiful woman presented herself and made a sinister request (the things you do for love). Lastly, your demand for justice is coupled only with the unfortunate and inescapable weakness of all dynamic heroes – hubris. While you may be impressive on the battlefield and a formidable catch for the maidens, your inability to respect your opponents will lead to your handicap – not the loss of a hand, but the insatiable desire to plant seeds.
Alan: Those may be the words coming out of your mouth, but your blonde hair betrays you.
4. If you could go back in time and specialize in one sport from the age of five, what would it be?
Joey: I did specialize in a sport since I was a youngin’, and it was basketball. Unfortunately I am a 5’11 white kid without an abundance of athletic talent. But god damn I loved it. However, if I were gonna go back with the explicit intent of mastering a sport to maximize my money/booty grabbin’/fame potential, I would probably pick golf. I think I have the patience for the game and I really love playing it. Granted, I am fucking awful at it (although McCannon and Bart both owe me $10 from our last match) but I think it is the best chance I would have at being a pro. Unless you count lacrosse, but let’s be honest, that sport is an absolute joke that nobody gives a shit about.
The PO Life:
Eli: Not sure McCannon and Bart are a strong test of your golf chops. Might want to shoot a little higher there.
Mac: So you pick #2 on the Maxim list then choose the HARDEST SPORT IN THE FUCKING WORLD. Reality check: pick handball or something that like 500 people worldwide play.
Merkyll: True story about Joey: When we were really young playing on the same basketball team (probably about 10 or 11 years old) I had the following conversation with my mom:
Merkyll: “Mom, Joey wears a jockstrap while playing basketball, and I have never seen that, it seems really weird to me.”
Mom: “Maybe”Joey’s penis is just really big”.
And that’s the end of the story.
Bart: Joey could be elegant, like a lynx. I see him as a synchronized diver, wowing the world with his grace and mobility, in contrast to his basketball game. [Ninja edit by Bart – Based on Merkyll’s addition, I change my answer to Joey should try out for the sex olympics]
5. Which would you rather fight, an angry chimpanzee or a great white shark?
Joey: Whenever this question is brought up, some smart ass goes, “who said you have to fight the shark in water!?” like he is some genius or something (yeah I am talking to you Alan). Hate to break it to you, but you are probably the same guy that cheats playing board games and then claims, “it doesn’t say anywhere in the rule book that you CAN’T do it.” Or when asked a hypothetical question, you respond with, “but that would never happen! That is so stupid.” Nobody likes that guy; he ruins the spirit of the game. So lets assume that we are in the animals natural habitat and it is a fight to the death. I am taking on the angry chimpanzee 10 times out of 10. I would stand literally no chance against a shark in the middle of the ocean. How are you going to kill that thing? Punch it in the nose until it dies? That will just make him even angrier. Do you know how big an average chimp is? 5 feet tall and 100 pounds. That’s like beating up a 5th grader or my high school girlfriend. Money in the bank.
The PO Life:
Eli: Your ex doesn’t tear people’s faces off when she’s angry. Chimps are known to do that.
Merkyll: Can’t believe this is a serious question. 100% take the chimp all day. Did I not already mention the size of your penis?
Cliff: I think I’ve said enough over the years about this topic. I feel so strongly on this one that I really wonder if I can remain friends with anyone who would actually pick the shark.
Alan: Whoa whoa let’s lay off the ad hominem. Sorry we all can’t think outside the box when answering the same question. And chimps are basically Bruce Lee when it comes to a fight, so it’d be more like an East German fifth grader.
6. Who is your celebrity crush?
Joey: What an amazing question. Nobody asked, but I will give a male and a female choice. Man crush is undoubtedly Ryan Gosling. I mean come on. Dude is an amazing actor, an absolute hunk, and apparently rolls up to clubs with his boys from home, absolutely decked out in suits and shit. What a boss. Also, he has blonde hair and blue eyes like me, so he literally is what I want to look like.
As far as the girl goes…that one is much tougher. There are so many good options. I am in love with so many! Alex Morgan, Olivia Munn, Emma Rossum, Emma Watson, Mary-Louise Parker, Natalie Portman, Anne Hathaway. The list goes on and on. But honestly, the one girl that I would marry in a second would be Emma Stone. She is only a month younger than me, seems very down to earth and fun to be around, and is obviously beautiful. I would sacrifice all my morals and beliefs and go see Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone in 50 Shades of Grey. My head would probably explode halfway through the movie.
The PO Life:
Eli: No surprise to anyone here that Gosling came first here. If Joey had it his way, Gosling would always come first.
Bart: If those two came together for an epic love scene, the movie would never finish shooting because the heads of every worker on set would also explode.
Merkyll: The correct answer used to be Natalie Portman. Now I think for you Terran or Albers is the correct answer.
Cliff: Who the hell is choosing these questions? Read my answer to # 2
7. Fuck, Kill, Marry – Stephen Strasburg, Jordan Zimermann, Gio Gonzalez?
Joey: Fuck Gio, Marry Stras, and Kill Zimmerman. Gio looks like the life of every party he is ever at and always has the freshest shape ups. Strasburg is the quiet, respectful type you can take back to mom, plus he is a fucking superstar and I would ride his coat tails for the next 15 years. And Zimmerman is just, kind of, blah. I mean he is a stud pitcher and I love him to death, but he just isn’t very interesting to me.
The PO Life:
Eli: That leaves just Gio to lead the Nats pitching staff once Strass is shut down this year. It’s going to be a short October.
Alan: I didn’t know Zimmerman was in the Nationals’ rotation. Zimmermann on the other hand…
Rudy: We left out an important component – “Affair”. That would clearly be Clint.
8. With no repercussions and without anyone ever finding out, what is the oldest woman you would be willing to have sex with?
Joey: I was recently at a Nats game and saw some cute mom that was probably 45. I attempted to make eyes at her the rest of the night. I failed miserably. I legitimately would have hooked up with her right there in front of her kids with the whole stadium watching, so this number could get pretty high. Also, have you seen Helen Mirren? She is 67. 67! ?You are a damn liar if you say you wouldn’t hit that. Now, statistically she can’t be the most attractive 67 year old out there, and there are probably hotter older ladies than that. I would say 75 at a minimum and be cool with it; I would probably brag about it to be honest.
The PO Life:
Eli – I love your honesty here and completely agree. There are some foxy older ladies out there and I have no doubt you’d be first in line to try to get into their pants. Grandma’s Boy was way ahead of its time.
Bart – While I don’t doubt your desperation at times to get some tail, I also don’t doubt your inability to actually rein in someone over the age of 60. Is that ignoring the idea of a hypothetical situation? Taste it.
Merkyll – Before reading your response I honestly expected your number to start with an 8. I would have set the line at 82 to be honest.
Rudy: It depends, how old is Ryan Gosling when the two of you cross paths for the first time?
9. Boxers, Briefs, Commando, Pantless
Joey: I went pantless during a, “Pantless Hour” at my best friends house party in high school one time. He then posted the picture of me pantless on Facebook. There is one comment on that picture and it is, “ew.” Keep in mind, the girl that said this is not exactly known for her attractiveness. So at times since, I have dabled in boxers, briefs, and even commando. But I refuse to ever go pantless again.
The PO Life:
Eli – Your loss is all of our gain.
Merkyll – See? Joffrey.
10. Are Swedish Made Penis Enlargers your bag baby?
Joey: As you can tell in the picture above; no, no they are not.
The PO Life:
Eli – Then how do you explain this book, “Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby”, by Joey Greenthumb?
Merkyll – So THAT explains the jock strap. Time to alert the mum.