Beware! China has been stealing more than just our gold medals. Even our email is not safe! Just like China wanted to steal our uniforms, they also want to steal our own personal belongings. How dare they, I say! Keep your Chinese hands off of me!
Where are these attacks coming from? CHINA. They are trying to attack us from all angles, this time taking a page out of a Nigerian Prince’s playbook, attacking us electronically. My email! They tried to hack into my gmail account! This is a personal attack that I cannot take lightly. We know how sneaky the Chinese can be – just look at how they can predict our fortunes each and every time we eat their food. What if they had gotten access to my email? I receive all of my important information there! They could have easily found a way to view what Groupon deals I receive, or when someone has asked to add me on LinkedIn. They better not add my boss on Facebook. They want to take everything!
I think it is time to take a stand. Let’s stop accepting goods from anywhere outside of America. That leaves us with… corn! Beautiful delicious corn. And tobacco. That’s still good for me, right?
My plan is to not use any Chinese products moving forward. Crap, that means I can’t use my Acer computer, my iPad, or my iPhone. My refrigerator was made in China, as was my TV… even my lightbulbs are made in China. Shit. Maybe I got a bit ahead of myself. Okay, China is cool, but please stop trying to hack me.