Kno Yo PO – Eddy Edition

Welcome to Part 2 of the Kno Yo PO series – an in-depth examination into the life of the everyday PO Life editor. This week’s profile: Eddy.

1) Which Hogwarts house would you be in and why?

Eddy: Like Clifford, my initial reaction is that my ambition and absolute hatred of muggles and half-bloods would land me in Sytherin. Ultimately, however, I’d be in Gryffindor because their Quidditch team’s scouts would hear of my skill and offer me some sort of under the table scholarship. I heard they need a Blind Side Beater for the 2012-2013 season. Also, if Gryffindor gives me any shot at getting in Emma Watson’s pants, that’s where I want to be.

The PO Life:

Clifford: Eddy and I would pretty much run Hogwarts like fucking Sirius Black and James Potter. We’d absolutely tease the hell out of awkward kids, like Severus Snape, and figure out how to become Animagi by Year 5.

Eli: Hufflepuff so he can get the best access to the herbology labs.

Rudy: When are people going to learn? If you think you’re in Gryffindor, you’re not in Gryffindor. Also, if you think that saying you’re not Gryffindor material will increase your chances of getting into Gryffindor, you’re definitely in Slytherin. Eddy is the only guy I know who enjoys reading his collegiate text books for fun. Ravenclaw no doubt.

2) Your daughter gets kidnapped by sex slavers from Romania. What unique set of skills do you have that will help you find her?

Eddy: None. I’m awful in foreign countries. My foreign language abilities are shit at best and I can’t make it to the McDonald’s 4 blocks from my house without a GPS. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d be stoked if she escaped and found her way home on her own. I’m just saying it’d be on her to take the initiative. So, yeah… Fingers crossed it never happens.

The PO Life:

Clifford: Eddy- stop being so humble. You’d definitely be able to beat them in some sort of beerpong tournament and if that didn’t work you’d most certainly have a shot at wooing them with an acoustic version of “Save Tonight.”

Eli: Short of serenading the terrorist’s pants off, I think you’re right Eddy. Your only hope is that your daughter has already been “taken” a few times and the sex slavers don’t think she offers enough value to sell on the open market.

Bart: Give yourself up in place of her. We know that you would have no issue being a sex slave for some Eastern European gang bangers.

Rudy – I feel that your pre-existing relationship with them through black market sex toy dealings will lead to a “this was all a big misunderstanding” conversation. She’ll be freed with little to no effort on your part, thanks to your dirty, dirty fetishes.

3) Fuck, Kill, Marry – Alex Ovechkin, Braden Holtby, or Mike Green?

Eddy: Easy question. Fuck Ovi: let some of that greatness rub off on/in me. Kill Holtby: no offense to the dude, he’s just too young to handle me; we’d have nothing to talk about. He also just had twins and I want none of that noise. Marry Greeny: He seems like he’d be a good father and he just signed a three year deal for $18.25M. That kinda money would give me the freedom to pursue my singing career. Plus we’ve got compatible signs.

The PO Life:

Eli: Shocked that you’d off the playoff hero of 2012. Oh how quickly we forget.

Bart: The only sign I see you carrying is the tune to ‘I saw the sign’.

Rudy: What the fuck does your response even mean, Bart? Are you just GREEN-y with envy that this question didn’t fall to you? GET IT?!?!?!?!

4) Which would you rather fight, an angry chimpanzee or a great white shark?

Eddy: Alright, so here’s what gets me about this question. The chimp is angry, right? But the shark is tranquil? Or are we just not stating the shark’s mood? Ugh.. I guess if mood is a factor then I’d definitely prefer to fight the shark. I’ve got a leg up on a calm shark because I’m going to make the first move. An angry chimp is coming out the gate and tearing your face off. And let’s be clear, that’s not a metaphor. Angry chimps actually tear people’s fucking faces off. That’s not how I’m going out.

The PO Life:

Clifford: Here is the problem with your analysis, sharks are ALWAYS angry. They’re furious eating machines; their limb chomping and artery tearing abilities perfected by millions of years evolution. Fuck that noise, you enjoy the feeling of being literally swallowed alive while I go toe to toe with Curious George (and yes I know Curious George isn’t a chimpanzee- but who really cares?)

Joey: Without a weapon, what possible way could you defeat a shark in combat? I assume this is a battle royal fight to the death. No way you are killing a shark in the water before he kills you; you aren’t Michael Phelps. Now a chimp, you could wrestle it to the ground and break its neck. Or at least serenade it with your guitar strokes of “Save Tonight” until it calms down and smash its head in while he unsuspectingly falls into your trap. Chimps seem to have emotions and can be fooled. A shark is just gonna eat your ass.

Alan: The scenario never says you have to fight the shark in water. People’s Elbow (What does that even mean? Was The Rock a communist?) that jabroney asshole in the ring.

McCannon: Sharks were put on this Earth to destroy. Would a shark do this? LISTEN TO THE MUSIC! Does it remind you of playful sharks? NO! Because there’s no such thing as a playful shark, only the much less cute destroyer-and-devourer-of-worlds type shark, where “worlds” = your delicious-looking meatsack popsicle of a body. SHARKS ARE LITERALLY DINOSAURS!!! MONSTERS ARE FUCKING REAL AND THEY LIVE IN THE GODDAMN OCEAN!!!(The music in that video is kind of a Zelda rip-off).

The aftermath of a chimp attack

5) Which fellow The PO Life contributor do you pick to live on a desert island with?

Eddy: Assuming I could bring a book with me as well, I’d take the bible, pick Joey, Bart, Alan or Rudy, and be endlessly entertained. Cliff would prob be the smart choice.. his survival training would come in handy. Issues would arise, however, if a woman ever wandered on to our island… We’d kill each other within minutes. McCannon, Eli and TSkinny would be the obvious choice if you could also bring any form of any game ever. Top game choice would probably be Dominion.

The PO Life:

Clifford: Come with me if you want to live… That’s all I’m saying. Plus on a desert island your odds of winning a woman over me would be slim to none. On a desert island your card tricks wouldn’t get you the same props as my getting a fire started with two sticks or catching fish. Just remember if the hut is a rocking don’t come a knocking.

Joey: What a pandering, bull shit answer from Eddy. You literally just threw all of us a bone so we wouldn’t bitch about how you didn’t pick us. Shame on you. You don’t want Cliff on that island with you because he would sacrifice you in a second for the greater good (aka his survival.) You would need somebody who would always have your back no matter what and could actually help you survive. I think Rudy would be a good choice for you; you guys would obviously get along and I think Rudy is a sleeper candidate for “survivability.”

Bart: Rudy has the appetite of a man 10 times his weight, and would starve in hours without food.  In terms of your choice of reading material, I think it speaks for itself in terms of comedy… no additional human input necessary. My 2 cents: Bring yourself a Playboy© and increase your chances of surviving against these scoundrels by staying by yourself.

Al: If you choose me, we’ll live just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing! We’re gonna live like kings! Damn, hell, ass kings! And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories.

McCannon: How many monkey butlers will there be?

Rudy: One at first. But he’ll train others.

6) Approximately how many times did you beat your stack to the Rolling Stone cover Brittany Spears appeared on?

Eddy: Actually, that video where she’s in the all red leather cat-suit provided much more ‘bateing fodder than the Rolling Stone cover.

The PO Life:

Eli: Was that before or after you taught McCannon and Rudy to give themselves a hand?

Rudy: Every time I bust a load, I thank my lucky stars that my Master Bater taught me the ways of the self-imposed orgasm. Master Bater! Get it?!?! Holy shit I’m on fire.

7) If you could choose any profession in the world to be successful at, what would it be?

Eddy: I’d love to say it’d be Economics and that I’d aspire to being Chairman of The Federal Reserve. That job would be intellectually stimulating, rewarding, and I’d have the ability to make the world better by governing the financial markets. Realistically, I’d be Randy Jackson and get paid silly bills for doing nothing.

The PO Life:

Eli: I feel ya dawg.

Bart: Get yourself an honest job free of scandal and do both.

McCannon: Magician

8) You’re getting the chair tomorrow – what’s your last meal and why?

Eddy: I’m not really sure how to make this funny so I guess I’ll answer honestly: Lobster dunked in a vat of butter. Actually, speaking of butter, I might try a deep fried stick of butter. Apparently those exist in Alabama.

The PO Life:

Bart: No pistachios? I’d eat them by the gallon.

Alan: (_(_):::::::D

McCannon: No one’s going to top that.

9) What movie character’s plight resonates most with you?

Eddy: Sean Archer, John Travolta’s character in “Face/Off” because there was that one time when I also had to switch faces with Nick Cage to ensure a biological bomb didn’t go off in the heart of Los Angeles.

The PO Life:

Alan: Lloyd Christmas. You manipulated fate, in this case a beer pong tournament, and your good friend, to be with the girl of your dreams.

Rudy: Are you sure you’re not more like Edna Turnblad, John Travolta’s character in Hairspray?

A woman trapped inside a man’s body playing a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Flawless.

10) What is the most stylish look you’ve had in your life?

Eddy: High school Emo fad without a doubt. Wearing skinny chick jeans and excessively tight shirts ensured that the world knew I played an instrument in some pop/punk band and also on which side my junk hung. Chicks seriously dig seeing your junk through your pants. Seriously.

The PO Life:

Clifford: What no mention of black nail polish and use of eyeliner? I swear that really happened- don’t try to play it off.

Eli: Are you sure it wasn’t the shirtless lederhosen from the ECOPB?

Alan: Capris never caught on outside Europe, but at least you would blend in with the Romaniam population while trying to rescue your daughter.

McCannon: Not a single person wasn’t feeling the frosted tips or bleach blonde phases. Not one.

Eddy’s look circa seventh grade

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One comment

  1. Pingback: Kno Yo Po – Joey Edition « The PO Life

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