Again… I’m captured by the amazing title of this article. “Three-hour sex sessions exhaust squid.” Absolutely incredible. Who wouldn’t be exhausted? AMIRITE? Then there is this stellar journalistic opening. “If you’ve ever felt sleepy after sex, you’re not alone.” Jeeze- I feel so connected to this squid now! You’ve roped me in by making this article no longer a piece of scientific journalism, but a window into my own sex life. “New research finds that after a long bout of mating, squid are too tired to do much swimming.” That’s odd because human studies show after long hours of mating we love to swim at rapid speeds.
This article addresses some serious questions:
Q. How many shark attacks have occurred in Australia?
A: No way of actually knowing this because little known fact, most sharks kill humans on land and cover it up with things like “gang related violence” or “car accidents.”
Q. Has there been a sudden increase in shark attacks in Western Australia?
A: Probably because everything in Australia is trying to kill you. Think about it. They have some of the most poisonous snakes & insects, they have dingos, great white sharks, sea crocodiles, and tons of offspring of criminals.
Q. What brings sharks to Western Australia?
A: Um… More people swimming in the water, and sharks find people incredibly delicious. (No I won’t listen to your bullshit- “they think we’re too skinny” argument. That makes no sense. Sure they’re used to eating seals and stuff, but think about how much harder seals are to catch. Sharks have to expend all this energy to catch a seal but only a tiny bit to snag up a human. Plus, if there are lots of American tourists then I’d say our BMI is pretty close to that of a seal.
Q. Should I be worried about future shark attacks?
A: YES! All the time. On your way to the grocery store, sitting in your car, and especially in Western Australia.
Q. What are people doing wrong?
First of all, we’re too delicious. Second of all, we’re swimming anywhere NEAR Great Whites. To quote McCannon “The ocean is fucked up man.” Double true.
Thanks to a viral online campaign to send the “musician” Pitbull to a far flung Wal-Mart, the cueball headed Miami resident will be in for a bit of a change of scenery. Pitbull will be heading to Kodiak Alaska for a Wal-mart sponsored concert. I’m not entirely sure what kind of crowd he’ll draw in a place where the most popular past times are probably ice fishing, hunting, and hockey. Still, Pitbull’s comments about it are pretty classy. He has stayed positive throughout and says he “You have to understand I will go anywhere in the world for my fans.” I’m pretty sure more of his fans voted for him to head to Kodiak than there are Pitbull fans in Kodiak.
Crazy! I had the same exact thing happen on a Delta flight to Charlotte. Bit into a piece of iceberg lettuce that might as well have been a needle. Maybe I should be suing or taking anti-virals. Probably both. I’m surprised this hasn’t been directly linked to terrorism. Al Qaeda- taking down the American airline food industry one hoagie at a time… No doubt TSA will soon create a food and beverage department and all food will be x-rayed, patted down, and just overall molested like everyone else.
As a final and very somber note- obviously had absolutely horrible news story from Colorado. Nothing funny about what happened. I read this article and thought it was really interesting, especially #6 Everyone talks about healing, but the healing can’t start until the media leaves town. What a pithy statement. The 24 news cycle really disgusts me. I just saw a couple minutes of Mike Huckabee interviewing a survivor from the event and couldn’t believe the questions he was asking. Talking about what happened is part of healing, but soon the media will do the most good by leaving town and letting people heal without the glare of the national media. Doubtful the media shows the people of Aurora this much respect.