The Friday Five: The Five People Who Make Me Glad It’s Friday

Office humor!? Boooooooo

I know. It’s been done. A lot. No one ever said we were pioneers on this site.

Fridays often bring about a strong sense of thankfulness. The week is finally over; you can get back out there and do whatever you fancy for your too-short weekend (Joey is partial to gardening.) Most of all, it gets you away from these people for a few days:

1. The Urinal Disrespecter

I am not a spiritual man. I am not a religious man.

I believe in logic and evidence. When a situation presents itself where all evidence points to only one possible logical conclusion, I will not be a doubting Thomas. I accept the science.

On a near-daily basis, I find myself facing a bathroom scenario with only one logical, scientific explanation. That singular explanation is thus:

One or more grown men:
1. Enter the bathroom.
2. Approach a urinal.
3. Unzip.
4. Pause, cinematically.
5. TEAR OUT PUBIC HAIR BY THE FISTFUL. RAISE BOTH PUBE-FILLED HANDS OVER HEAD. HOWL AT CEILING TILES LIKE SOME SORT OF BANSHEE OUT OF HELL.
6. Sprinkle pubes over every square inch of the urinal.
7. Possibly urinate, who knows?
8. Assume “WFG* at the Office” status.

This is the only possible explanation for the state of the urinals in my office without blaming Jesus or divine intervention/miracles. That’s how bad they are. Every day.

* WFG = Worst Fucking Guy

After running through the above-outlined progression, this guy is probably also responsible for pee all over the seat, skid marks, paper towels everywhere — all with zero consideration for washing hands. In stark contrast, I honestly picture the women’s bathroom as some sort of toilet-themed, utopian amusement park with couches, fragrances, a Wack-A-Mole, Ob-la-di Ob-la-da on repeat…not a stain in sight. Let me live in ignorance.

2. The Elevator Abuser*

* I hope my burning, seething resentment of these people really comes across.

Stairs? We don’t need no stinkin’ stairs.

Scientific findings suggest that walking up some goddamned steps every once and awhile “might help some.”

Yes…yes you do.

My three reactions when someone hops in the elevator on four and pushes the fucking five button with his/her head down and cheeks burning with embarrassment*:
1. Make loud, obnoxious huffing noises,
2. Roll my eyes,
3. Give the “get-a-load of-this guy look” to my co-worker friend(s).

Who am I kidding? These folks normally slam that button with no shame whatsoever and then do the awkward face-towards-the-middle-of-the-elevator move with some shit-eating grin, trying to make eye contact and generate some god-awful conversation about how, by golly, it sure is hot out today or Happy Monday! Face the front, shut up, and stew in the negative elevator energy like a normal person.

90% of the time, the Elevator Abusers look like they haven’t missed a meal in a decade and their Stepmaster 3000 is collecting dust at home. It’s annoying when these people do it, but at least you can get real smug and look down on them with a false sense of superiority. When healthy-looking, in-shape people do it? It’s somehow infinitely more annoying and it takes quite awhile for the this-guy-can’t-actually-be-serious look to wipe off my face.

Using the elevator to go down one floor should waive every right you have to a fair trial.

My first order of business when I become Dictator for Life will be a complete overhaul of our elevators’ electronics. Down buttons will be a thing of the past. You CAN walk down steps. It’s…really, really easy. Work above the 10th floor of a building and maybe you can petition for some sort of exception. Maybe.

We’ll work out the logistics of making sure no one uses the elevator for less than five flights of stairs later. I’m picturing computer chip implants and retina scans. People with disabilities would pass the scans.

#3. The Office Space Cliche

No office would be complete without the mumbling, bumbling, amorphously-shaped, passive-aggressive guy. In my office, his classic move is to wander somewhat nearby and then start addressing the wall:

The Office Space Cliche (nearly inaudible): “Soooo….yeah, the funny thing with that memo was…”
Me (several seconds after he’s trailed off) thinking: Is he talking to me? Why is he 15 feet away with his back to me?
TOSC (turns towards me): “Uhhh…did you see the, uh, (chuckles to himself) memo?”
Me: “Oh…yeah. It’s making the rounds, getting signed off right now.”
TOSC (already walking backwards away from me): “Yeah….the boss is all over me about it sooooo….(chuckling)…you know….”
Me (TOSC has already wandered out of ear range): “Good talk.”

Apparently Eli’s office has a spot-on Milton from Office Space guy*. He sidles, he mumbles, and he carries on his own conversation at length. The only difference is he goes on and on about his fantasy football team rather than a red stapler.

* I can only assume this is the same guy who has been spotted watching porn several times at work. Seriously. That happened and he still has a job.

#4. The Guy Convinced He’s Billy Mays

Billy Mays here! Don’t confuse baking soda with cocaine. Trust me!

This guy buys bulk quantities of magnetic balance bracelets, or magic vitamins, or misprinted “BeEtles” shirts, or some other idiotic product that nobody actually wants. He then tries to run a side business selling them to his coworkers…he’s always got some line like “My boy got the hookup on the bracelets so I’m able to sell them to you for $20. If you buy them anywhere else they’ll be $60.” First, I don’t want your stupid fucking balance bracelet… my balance is not in need of placebo improvement. Second, I googled balance bracelets and they sell EVERYWHERE for $2.

#5. The Amateur Blogger

This guy spends work hours spewing vitriol rather than being a productive member of the workforce. His/her witty, biting commentary is clearly the envy of pundits everywhere. The Amateur Blogger is hard to escape because he blows up your facebook feed with links during slow work hours.

These men and women will make you cringe. They make every hour of the work day feel longer and more painful. Alas, do not dispair. Take heart, for the end of the week is nigh. Now go forth my children, for Friday is here and the weekend awaits*.

*See? The Amateur Blogger solicits you even when seemingly making fun of himself.

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