Kno Yo PO – Clifford Edition

So who are the men behind The PO Life? This secret has long been sought after by our legion of followers in their noble quest for truth and justice. However, unbeknownst to our 29 email subscribers, the editorial staff made a blood oath to contain our identities within a prism of secrecy so that society may pay tribute to the true heroes. We’re not the heroes that the world deserves, but the heroes that the world needs. Nothing less than knights. Shining.

To better get to know our writers (and finally fill out our bio pages) we’re launching a weekly segment called “Kno Yo PO” – a 10 question interview for each writer, followed by a brutal teardown of their responses by the rest of the staff.

Week 1 – Clifford

1. Which Hogwarts house would you be in and why?

Clifford: Without a question Gryffindor. I’m adventurous, bold, and a leader… You know, like the time we were doing our senior prank and I rallied my fellow classmates with a President Thomas J. Whittmore quality speech.

The PO Life:

Alan: After a spat with a professor over the legitimacy of a Beedle the Bard story, Clifford is expelled from Hogwarts and enrolls at Durmststrang.

McCannon: Slytherin. He would have the same argument in his head with the Sorting Hat that Harry does, trying to convince it that he should be Gryffindor, but he won’t convince it. “You’d make a great Slytherin”. THE THIRST FOR POWER!

Joey: Gryffindor. But not because of any other reason except that he is a ginger. Have you ever heard of a ginger being in another house but Gryffindor? For all we know, Cliff is a long lost member of the Weasley Family.

2. Your daughter gets kidnapped by sex slavers from Romania. What unique set of skills do you have that will help you find her?

Clifford: I can beat my feet better than a Bieber backup dancer. I am also pretty good at finding my way around unfamiliar cities.

The PO Life:

Eli – He has extensive experience at bargaining with those in the sex trade.

Eddy – You and Bart approach the sex traders. You’re dressed in that tailored Armani suit, Bart is dressed in any suit.. Noone is safe around those looks.

3. If financial means and social connections weren’t an issue, how high up on the Maxim Hot 100 list could you get with?

Clifford:  Bar Refaeli (#1). Ok… are we being serious? Fine… Olivia Wilde (#5). mostly because I just saw The Switch-Up and she was SMOKING hot, and I think I could make her laugh- which is really the only thing that matters.

The PO Life:

Eli: Depends on how high up McCannon could get. Cliff would swoop in and hook up with her her while Mac was sitting back and evaluating his options.

Rudy: #92 – Amanda Knox aka Foxy Knoxy. Both were in isolated, single-sex dominated environments for the past several years and have an inner sexual demon ready to be unleashed. Plus, I heard she’s into weird, kinky stuff and would probably be DTF with multiple guys at the same time. Right up Cliff’s alley.

4. Boxers, briefs, commando, or pantless?

Clifford: Low-cut boxer briefs. All the support without the diaper look of whitey-titeys.

The PO Life:

Eli: Lacy thong with garters. It helps him breathe out of his eyelids and balance his chakrahs.

McCannon: I know Cliff has always been a big supporter of the “Pantless Hour” movement (peak: High School Beach Week) along with Eli and Bart.

Bart: Pants? Who wears pants?

5. If you could have one historical figure give your eulogy who would it be and why?

Clifford: Theodore Roosevelt, because we’re kindred spirits. Born to gallivant around the globe, fight wars, and make moves. His nasally oratory would have the crowd bawling.

The PO Life:

Eli – Gen. Ambrose Burnside… I’m just surprised that any god-fearing wahoo would go with someone other than TJ. Props for not thinking that he is the end all be all of the universe.

Rudy – Under the full assumption that Clifford will die before me, I think I’d be the natural choice. Running a blog with an average of 200 daily hits qualifies me as an historical figure, right?

6. Who has House Clifford sworn fealty to in The Seven Kingdoms of Westeros?

Clifford: Jesus Christ who knew this would be the hardest question… I’d probably swear fealty to Daenery’s Targaryen and attempt to wed her for a shot at a Dragon. 99% chance I’d burn to death but that 1% shot at being a Dragon rider would totes be worth it.

The PO Life:

Joey – While reading the books, I basically pictured Clifford as Quentyn Martell. He will do ANYTHING for that poon-tang, and has some delusions of grandeur that make him think he could be a dragon rider and have a shot with the most beautiful woman in the world. So this totally flies (and BTW, he has no shot at either.)

Eli – Definitely swearing fealty to the Lannisters. Cliff would look fairly impressive in a suit of armor which would lead Cercei to make a move. We all know he can’t turn down a good piece of ass to save his life so he’d be balls deep in the queen before getting stabbed in the back by Lancel during the Battle of the Blackwater.

Bart – House Greyjoy – Stubborn and cocky, but also been known to shout at loud gatherings to get everyone’s attention and become the leader (see Kingsmoot).

7. If Eli asked you how much you could bench press as part of a metaphor, what would your reaction be?

Clifford: I wouldn’t be at all surprised because Eli makes the absolute worst metaphors- especially when he’s been drinking- and then I’d go on living the rest of my life without thinking about it again.

The PO Life:

McCannon – Punch a hole in a cupboard.

Rudy – Turn the tables on Eli and notify him that 6 year old boys who win the Presidential Physical Fitness Award can do at least two more pull-ups than Eli maxes out at.

8. If you could go back in time and specialize in one sport from the age of five, what would it be?

Clifford: Basketball- Yes I’d never make it to a size where I could play in the NBA, but if I had really concentrated on it maybe I could have played at a small college, and that would have been awesome.

The PO Life:

Joey – If we are looking at this purely from the angle of what sport do you have the best shot at making the Olympics in, I could see Cliff being a bomb Water-Polo player. No idea why, but that definitely fits.

Eli – I’m sure Cliff believes this but I don’t see him passing up a chance to represent in the Olympics to play DIII hoops. Whatever sport he chose would have to be indoor because he has sensitive ginger skin. Water-polo may work, either that or badminton.

Rudy – Is food mooching considered an Olympic sport yet? I just assume that we let that in along with dressage and ice dancing.

9. Who’s your celebrity doppelganger?

Clifford: There aren’t a lot of gingers out there… I might look like a young Damian Lewis- which is cool because CPT Winters was an absolute boss.

The PO Life:

Joey – Easiest question ever. Rupert Grint, and the sole reason Cliff would be in Gryffindor

Eli – Deborah Messing and Carrot Top

Eddy – Jim Carey in Batman Forever

Bart – Chuckie from the Rugrats

10. What will your epitaph read?

Clifford: Here lies Clifford- He was handsome, witty, had a knowledge of fine wines, sophisticated, was a world-renowned photographer. Women wanted him, men wanted to be him. A lover of love.

The PO Life:

Alan: “Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Wreckage Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship.”

McCannon: Fuck, someone already stole the Royal Tenenbaums reference

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One comment

  1. Pingback: Kno Yo PO – Eddy Edition « The PO Life

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