In Case You Missed It: Spoiled Brat, Planet of the Apes, Dino Coitus, and Massive Knockers

1.

The annoying part is how true to our generation this article really is.  I actually hate reposting articles like this because it really just gets the author exactly what she wanted.  More publicity. You know she wants it because in response to the article she put on twitter, “You guys, this is only the second-most controversy I’ve created this year.  And it’s only July!”  Ugh.  Excuse me while I vomit in my mouth.  For the majority of you who have not read this, it is essentially a young and somewhat successful journalist writing about how she wishes she’d struggled more. The insensitivity of such a commentary on our currently underemployed generation is not lost on the comments section under her article where she is pretty much torn apart.  I imagine that’s exactly what she was hoping to happen, so good job Taylor.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she somehow spins the vitriol against her as “adversity” and writes about overcoming it to further publicize her beyond mediocre writing.

2.

This article is taken directly from the latest Planet of the Apes screenplay.  It opens up by nonchalantly with “Two chimpanzees escaped a Las Vegas backyard Thursday…”  Ok, let’s stop right there.  First of all, who the hell has a pair of chimpanzees just hanging out in their backyard?  There is zero back story here and I really need more on that front.  Maybe these two were being tortured by some maniacal zoologist gone rogue who was trying to force them to mate when they just weren’t that into each other, ya know? The chimps were eventually hunted down and killed after- and you can’t make this up- “at least one of them jumping on a police car.”  WHAT?  How has this not made it onto youtube yet?  The article also glosses over another gem when it states that, “police warning residents through Twitter not to leave their vehicles or homes.”  I just scoured Las Vegas police department Twitter names to no avail, but I would LOVE to read that tweet…  how could you get all the madness into 140 characters?

3.

This article about dinosaur sex is amazing because it answers all those questions that I have running through my head all day like, “How could T-rexes hold themselves up during sex with those tiny arms” and “Why can’t we find paleontologists who will talk candidly about dinosaur mating?” You’re welcome loyal readers, now these answers are all yours.  Highlight of the entire article- this statement, “As you might imagine, a dinosaur penis might have been pretty big– perhaps up to 12 feet in length for T. Rexes.”  I don’t know if it’s more insane that T. Rexes had schlongs twice as long as I am tall or that there are legitimate scientists who discuss it.

4.

This one may not be totally acceptable for work.  It’s not pornographic or anything, it’s simply a brief article and picture of Annie Hawkins-Turner, a Georgia native with the largest natural breasts in the world…  how is this news?  In this case I’ll tell you why, because it’s freaking INSANE.  People like to see weird shit like this because it reminds them of how normal they are.

5.

Apparently the biggest issue Google is running into with its self-driving vehicles is that they are forced to go the speed limit.  This sounds to me like one of those situations where technology is outpacing governance.  If the technology works then I imagine future highways will have “auto-pilot lanes” where the speed limit is much higher than “manual lanes.”  There are also lots of other possible benefits to include; driving down transportation costs, improving mass transit, and reducing carbon emissions.  If there were tons of auto-pilot cars driving around that could take you from place to place why would you need your own vehicle?  The idea that I could get drunk with my buddies and have my car drive me home is enough to sell me on the whole endeavor.

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3 comments

  1. joeygreenthumb

    1. I want to simultaneously drop kick that girl out a window and date her.
    2. I think this is a good segue into our, “who would you rather fight debate.” And where can I buy a pet chimp?
    3. It is amazing how nonchalantly this article just throws the phrase, “dinosaur penis” around. Where can I find a job where I get to think about how dinosaur’s had sex all day? Amazing.
    4. 102ZZZ? 102ZZZ!? THAT IS A BRA SIZE!?!? Also, love her math. “No one looks like me. I am one in a million.” If that were the case, there would be thousands of people with 102ZZZ bra sizes. Not happening. Also, her breasts way 85 pounds. Holy shit.
    5. I am 100% for self driving cars. I want this to be Minority Report.

  2. joeygreenthumb

    Yeah, she has a good job, is well educated, looks cute. I just need to teach her a damn lesson and it would be straight.

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