“There are five people you meet on Facebook. Each of them are in your life for a reason. You may not have known the reason at the time you accepted their friend request, and that is what this Friday Five is for. For understanding their lives on Facebook. This is the greatest gift The PO Life can give you: to understand why these people suck at life. To have it explained. It is the peace you have been searching for.”
Mitch Albom Rudy, The Five People You Meet in Heaven on Facebook
1) Betty Draper – We’re going to start off this Friday Five by being as sexist as humanly possible. But let me caveat it first.
Over 50% of married couples are divorced and more and more people are getting married at an older age, if even at all. The Levvittown dream of 2.5 kids, white picket fences, and even whiter neighbors is dead. More and more women are heading back to the workplace. And that’s a good thing. While there’s work to be done in terms of pay equality, few would say that the workplace barriers of the mid-1900s are as oppressive as they once were. Yes, you still can’t get into Augusta even if you’re the CEO of IBM, but that’s like the last boys club we’ve got.
The wants and needs of every family are different – I’m not judging one’s family dynamic. My mom was a stay-at-homer until she joined the working force once my parents got divorced. So I’ve seen both sides. But you know what my mom never did? She didn’t use Facebook as an outlet for voicing every single gripe and headache (metaphorically and literally) to her network of friends and family.
It’s not a natural function of humans, no matter if they are a home builder or a home maker. Do I sit around at my job, updating my status on an hourly basis about how I can’t stand the fact that I’m entrusted with ordering business cards for my company because other resources were too incompetent to do such? No. I sack up and move on with my life.
And sure, there’s bound to be some stay at home dads out there. Hell, it’s Eli’s dream job. But here’s the difference between guys and dolls – no guy would waste away the entire day logging Facebook entries about how difficult life is. In between the hours spent chainsawing Redwoods while blindfolded and bringing home Wildebeest meat won from a high stakes game of Pai Gow in an unlicensed Indian casino, we’d be taking lessons in ancient Norwegian warcries and discovering ways the Higgs boson particle can add more mass to Eva Mendez’s ass. If you have enough time to complain that your “bundle of joy” left a “bundle of shit” in his pants for you, you have enough time to do something more productive. Or don’t do something more productive. I don’t care. Just shut the hell up.
2) Michelle Flaherty – Don’t bother looking her up – it’s the “Band Camp” girl from the American Pie series. She’s got a story for everything and tells everyone about her pointless dribble. Stubbed your toe – status update. Picking up birth control – status update. Getting ripped at the gym – status update. Your dog is laying in a cute position on the couch – status update.
Beat the Elephant Graveyard level on The Lion King for SNES. Then I’ll read your status update.
3) Jay Gatsby – This one might actually be the worst of all. If you know anything about myself or The PO Life editorial staff, it’s that we’re subscribers to the “it’s not where you are, it’s who you’re with” lifestyle. Checking in somewhere on Facebook is only the result of three impulses:
- You’re making a public announcement of your location in hopes that one of your cooler, more energetic friends is there to save you from present company, or
- You’re trying to win a competition held by a company, musical artist, or blog, or
- You’re trying to strike up jealously among your sorority sisters, ex-girlfriends, and the jocks that stuffed you into a football locker during your first high school gym class and threatened to pee on you if you made any noise (that happened to me – true story btw).
For the purposes of this post, let’s go the Gin Blossoms route.
I actually checked my Facebook check-ins over the last year to make sure I didn’t qualify for this category and found my most prestigious check-in to lie somewhere between upper deck tickets to the New Jersey Nets-Washington Wizards home opener (for which we paid somewhere in the neighborhood of $12/ticket for, roughly 4000% above market value) and getting cheese steaks at Pat’s King of Steaks.
Got into that exclusive club in Vegas? Make sure you keep your $24 cocktail close by to avoid getting drugged. Staying in the President’s suite on your parents’ dime? We’re busy making lifelong memories in a backyard beer pong brofest. Moved up to first class? I’m ten rows behind you and tipped the baggage handler, who I met last night in an arcade basketball shoot-off while you were busy rubbing elbows with Persian princes that made you empty promises of love and lust, to make sure your bags go to Lusaka. Oops.
4) Jimmy from Bull Durham – Nothing ruins my morning more than finding out I don’t quite have enough Raisin Bran Crunch left to make a sizable bowl of cereal. The runner up? Seeing your deity rhetoric shoved down my throat about how you can conquer your 3rd quarter budget meeting “through Christ who strengthens me”. Want to play the Bible passage game? Here we go:
- Deuteronomy 23:2 – No one born of a forbidden marriage nor any of their descendants may enter the assembly of the Lord, not even in the tenth generation. – Whoops. My parents should have never brought me to church in the first place. Guess I’m going to Hell.
- Luke 12:22 – Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. – Well, I try to eat organic with Chipotle and my favorite day of the month is when my Stunners of the Month come. Guess I’m going to Hell.
- Deuteronomy 14:8 – The pig is also unclean; although it has a divided hoof, it does not chew the cud. You are not to eat their meat or touch their carcasses. – Whoops. Shouldn’t have bought Eli (a Jew) a six month subscription to the Bacon of the Month club for his wedding. Guess I’m going to Hell.
- Matthew 7:1 – Judge not, that ye be not judged – Whoops. Shouldn’t have wrote this post. Guess I’m going to Hell. And you probably are too.
5) The PO Life – Never one to shy away from the spotlight and shameless self-promotion, The PO Life is finally live on Facebook. Like our fan page to consolidate all of your regularly scheduled annoying content pushes from the collective personal pages of Cliff, Joey, McCannon, and Rudy into one cohesive shit-talking auditorium. Do it bitches.