Ever get down on yourself because of your weight? Feel that perhaps you shouldn’t eat that extra cookie despite the fact that it can’t stop giving you that seductive glance from across the room? Convince yourself that tomorrow will be the day you go to the gym because today you are just too tired? Well fear no more my overweight comrades; Fat Tony is here to help you come to the realization that U Ain’t Fat!
Who is Fat Tony you ask? No, I’m not talking about the recurring character from the Simpsons that continually reminds us that Italian mobster stereotypes are hilarious. But I am speaking rather of Anthony Lawson Jude Ifeanyichukwu Obiawunaotu, better known as Fat Tony, the underground rapper from Houston who has some absolute classics to his name. His discography includes his ground breaking debut RABDARGAB and its controversial follow up, SCREWDARGAB. His next album is rumored to be titled WTFIAMDOINGLOLZ, and from what I hear, it is epic.
Fat Tony has worked with some of the titans in the game, including Tom Cruz, Das Racist, Juiceboxxx and Blunt Fang. But I am not here today to throw more praise on the rapper that won Houston Press Music Awards’ Best Underground Hip Hop award three years in a row. I am here to analyze what some may consider the greatest rap video of all time, “Nigga U Ain’t Fat.” I hope to be able to draw on my vast wealth of underground Houston hip hop knowledge as well as my intricate know-how of video production and quality to provide you with everything you need to know moving forward with your life after watching this video. Without further ado, I bring you the best thing you are going to watch all day.
A virtuoso performance like that needs time to germinate, like a fine French cheese*. I will sit here and let that video soak in for a moment before I delve in too fast. OK, now that you have had time to gather yourself; HOLY-FUCKING-SHIT HOW AWESOME WAS THAT!? I think I know the question that is on all of your minds. Is Fat Tony prescient? Can he see into the future? How else could he have predicted the bath salt, Zombie induced outbreak? I feel like I will never have to experience bath salts first hand because Fat Tony just took me on a magic roller coaster ride that I may never fully recover from. Let’s break down this thing, step by step, with an ad hoc running diary of my thoughts as I watch the video.
*I honestly don’t know what germination is or if it has anything to do with French cheese, but it sounded right so I went with it.
0:13 – We are introduced to our hero at the super market, presumably buying food for the girl that seems to be very interested in seeing him tonight. He proceeds to grab 20 bags of Cheetos. Interesting choice.
0:22 – Things are going pretty smoothly at the super market, with our hero perusing the frozen meat section when all of a sudden the beat drops and MY GOD FLOATING HEAD! I did not see that one coming.
0:24 – He laughs it off like nothing happened. Dude, you just imagined you saw a lamb chop as a floating head. That is not cool.
0:35 – Wait, our hero isn’t Fat Tony? Is Fat Tony telling us that he isn’t fat? Or is our hero fat, and Fat Tony is telling ME that I am not fat? Is it good to be fat, or bad? I am officially confused.
0:43 – This is exactly how I imagine that dude on bath salts was. Mmmmm, spaghetti.
0:50 – Now we are introducing the “my eyes turn red because I want to eat you” look. That’s new. And creepy as hell.
0:58 – Are we led to believe that our hero actually just ate that guys face as a pizza? Because he no longer is in the video after that point. And he definitely just grabbed a slice and ate it.
1:14 – Breaking off a piece of that white chick kit kat. Dead? I don’t know.
1:17 – Just listen to the lyrics for a second. Fat Tony says, “they wanna ask me why I use the name Fat Tony, cause I ain’t bony, and I ain’t a phony. And if it was rad in the past then it’s still for me.” But…you aren’t fat. That means you are a phony. What exact definition of fat are we using here? The phat version? Well then why isn’t your name Phat Tony? WHAT EXACTLY DOES IT MEAN WHEN YOU SAY YOUR DICK IS FAT!?
1:36 – That guy just stole the video with that smile and wave. Plus his beard.
1:40 – “Nigga you ain’t fat, my kids is, my bitch is, my dick is.” Well you are a terrible parent then.
1:56 – Yes, he just ate that bacon. The bacon that is presumably coming from his own shoulders. We have devolved from cannibalism to self-cannibalism.
2:01 – OK Fat Tony, if you want to interject into the story so much, why aren’t you just the guy in the video? Why not just make yourself the star? Jerk.
2:29 – Why does it have to be vanilla ice cream? Cause she’s white? DAS RACIST. See what I did there? Because Fat Tony has worked with a guy named Das Racist? God I am witty.
2:37 – I dare you to not have nightmares about our pig-snouted, red-eyed, face-eating hero. Double dog dare you.
2:40 – Up to this point, this video has been pretty tongue and cheek. It’s funny because the guy in the video is supposed to be so obsessed with food, he can’t get away from it in his daily life. Even when he works out. But holy shit that ended dark. He just straight up Hannibal Lectered that bitch, ribs and all. Maybe he really did eat the poor waiter and the Kit Kat lady.
Wow. What a ride. There are still so many questions that I need the answers to. I think we can all agree on a couple things though. First off, that video was awesome and we all need more Fat Tony in our lives. Secondly, I don’t feel quite as bad after absolutely housing that whole entire box of Flipz in 10 minutes. I will never be THAT fat. Lastly, if I am ever feeling down on myself again, I can just watch that video and get the whole spectrum of awesome. It is happy, fun, tragic, and horrifying all in one fell swoop. Now that is fat.