Once a year, The PO Life headquarters opens its door for the commoners and bourgeois to wander in to see how the other half lives. While most would assume that such a socialite event would be catered with the finest wine and cheeses in all the land to the soundtrack of a live string quartet, the reality is quite a stark contrast.
Since we here at The PO Life are men of the people, by the people, and for the people, the extra-curricular actives of the day revolve around fusing together two of America’s greatest past-times: European soccer and competitive drinking. This year’s event paid homage to UEFA Euro 2012, bringing together 32 of the finest men and women in the greater Washington DC area to represent the 16 teams battling for continent domination.
For those of you who had better things to do on a Saturday afternoon (or may have had your invitations lost in the mail), here’s a quick recap of the events leading up to Saturday’s contest:
- Each male player was randomly paired together with a female player and assigned a random country. Players were heavily encouraged to wear costumes. Physical threats may had been made in the days leading up to the tournament towards players who did not seem thrilled at the prospect of accessorizing in 100+ degree heat.
- Groups of countries were established that exactly mirrored the less notable soccer tournament taking place in Poland and Ukraine
- Each group of countries played a round-robin tournament of beer pong, with the top two teams from each group advancing to a single elimination bracket
- The winning country took home $100 and the 2012 trophy – an oversized, plush Sonic the Hedgehog. Second place took home $40 while the third place finishers left with a measly $20
- The player with the most beer pong shots made won the “golden boot” – a rather smelly running shoe formerly owned by Rudy.
Here are some of the top moments of the tournament, accompanied by photographic evidence that we are in fact as obnoxious in physical form as we are in our written form. Note: a few members of The PO Life, including Bart and Eli, refused to have their faces displayed on this blog. The remaining editorial staff has taken liberal advantage of editing these pictures to reflect their personalities, in the most mature way possible.
People clearly paying attention to John Lennon – magistrate of the 2012 EURO Cup of Beer Pong
The official mascot of the 2012 EURO Cup of Beer Pong games. Also, Kylie. (zing!)
RPS to decide who gets to shoot first. How typical European diplomatic squabbles are settled.
Accurate record keeping is of the essence. Everyone is still trying to get over the pairing scandal that tainted 2011’s games.
The diverse crowd of the 2012 tournament
Portugal would win the award for best costume.
O’Sullivan’s. The official after-party sponsor of every tournament.
Some of the ladies of the 2012 tournament.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING SEQUENCE OF PHOTOGRAPHS COME FROM THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME BETWEEN PORTUGAL AND GERMANY. WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS SHOCKING, GRAPHIC, AND QUITE POSSIBLY THE MOST INTENSE THING EVER TO HAPPEN TO CIVILIZED HUMAN SOCIETY.
With one cup left each, the crowd anxiously looks on.
Eddy narrowly misses the game winning shot. (In an Ian Darke English accent: “look how much it means to him!”)
And finally hits it… or so he thought.
Portugal with two chances at sending this thing into extra time.
Mrs. Eli narrowly misses – it’s up to Ryan.
Ryan prepares for the biggest shot of his life.
Team Germany tries to put together the shattered pieces of their confidence.
1 word: Champions
- Joe talking so much shit and getting eliminated before his 3rd game in pool play.
- Everyone being in Joe’s head about this.
- Mrs. Eli making all 6 of her teams cups in their first game.
- Rev Kev crediting Loey with “a lot of assists” after making 16 out of 18 possible cups in pool play.
- Mrs. Eli facing her husband in the semifinal match, getting in Eli’s head, and Ryan stabbing a cruel dagger to eliminate the golden boot champion.
- Drunk Mrs. Eli.
- Ryan flipping a double bird to Eddy with some “that’s what you get for nailing my sister” subtext upon sending the championship game to overtime.
- Joey Greenthumb displaying his sexual frustration by getting strangely violent towards women. I don’t care if they challenged to slap-box, it’s still not a good excuse to backhand them across the face as they scream “stop!” “No” means no Joey.
- Eating with 15 people at Moby Dick’s after the tourney. That shit was just what the doctor ordered.