Haterade is a vile, bitter substance that we all imbibe from time to time in the same way we do alcohol: We know it’s bad for us, we know that it usually tastes awful, but God damnit it feels so good! My own personal favorite flavor of haterade is the extremely tart, but extra smooth, Kobe Bryant*. But by far the best selling flavor of haterade over the past 2 years has been none other than LeBronamade** As the resident Po Life NBA expert and passionate LeBron lover, I feel the need to stick up to those cyber bullies that like to take the proverbial haterade shower like they just won the Douchebag Olympics. I feel the need to come to the defense of the Greatest Basketball Player in The World, who actually did just win an NBA championship and deserves a real Gatorade shower.
So when my future brother-in-law and fellow Po Life blogger Clifford showed me this article, which is literally titled, “LeBron James: World Champion Cocksucker,” I knew that I had a new soapbox to stand upon. I didn’t even want to link the article on this post because Drew Magary doesn’t deserve a single hit and is probably the WFG in absolutely everything that he has ever, or will ever, partake in. But I actually have some integrity and want to provide my dear readers with some context to my ensuing rant, so I begrudingly linked his article above. Also, maybe we will get some actual hits that way.
This was my immediate response in reaction to the post, which I emailed to Clifford, “I think that guys haterade must taste real bitter right now. He acts like he has any insight into LeBron James as a real person, outside of the spotlight. Fuck that guy.” But seriously, fuck that guy. I can absolutely understand somebody ripping LeBron for the Decision, or for leaving his home state of Ohio for greener pastures, or, for the basketball purists out there, not assembling a team the right way. But may I remind you that LeBron has never been in trouble with the law, he has never been caught cheating on his girlfriend or wife, and by all accounts is a decent human being.
But Ms. Magary goes on a rant about how much he hates LeBron and proceeds to not give a single explainable reason for why he hates LeBron. Don’t believe me? Seriously, go read the article. For those of you who are too lazy, I will list his “reasons” below:
- Stuart Scott was praising LeBron on his performance in the Finals, or as Drew puts it, Stuart couldn’t, “contain himself from working LeBron’s shaft.” I guess Ms. Magary hates Stu, therefore LeBron is a cocksucker? It is not made very clear.
- Ms. Magary hates seeing Pat Riley smile, claiming that it is, “so fucking creepy,” and that he doesn’t, “want to live in a world where Pat Riley’s smiling.” Again, we are led to assume that Ms. Magary hates Pat Riley, which makes LeBron a cunt? Or does Marge just have an abject fear of anything resembling happiness?
- Michael Jordan is an asshole. Seriously, one of his reasons for hating LeBron is the fact that the best basketball player of all time, one that we aren’t allowed to compare LeBron to, turned out to be an asshole. “Don’t you dare compare LeBron to MJ! Unless it helps prove my point that LeBron is somehow an asshole by proxy.” I think this guy is taking logic and reasoning classes from evangelical Christians.
- LeBron has a receding hairline, and the fact that he has shown it means he is no longer insecure about it. Meaning he will turn into a bigger asshole somehow. If you follow what the fuck this guy is talking about, good for you. Just make sure you don’t vote in this year’s election.
- Margey takes umbrage with the fact that LeBron went out to celebrate after winning his first NBA championship by getting on a microphone and rapping at a Miami nightclub. Honestly I can’t imagine a person that hates having fun more than Drew Magary.
- LeBron had the audacity to actually mature as a human being and buy into his redemption story that is being played up in the media. The nerve of that guy! Definitely the definition of a cocksucker in my book.
But after pursuing some of his previous works, they all seem to be guided by some sort of hate. He calls people fat, spews bile at any number of celebrities, and he even has attempted to warn parents about Redtube (seriously do NOT Google that at work). I mean come on, if one thing is sacred in this world it is a 16 year olds right to watch as much internet porn as possible without fear of his parents walking in on him crymaxing or them telling him that, “we don’t want you watching internet porn, but we will buy you Playboy if you want,” (and yes that most certainly happened to me. Well not the crymaxing part). So maybe his shtick is just to be hateful towards the innocent and hope people find it hilarious? Well if that’s the case, I am officially declaring a war on the asshole formerly known as Drew Magary! Why? Because fuck that guy!
Don’t think you are getting off the hook here either, Deadspin. It’s not like your website is known for its journalistic integrity in the first place, but how could you allow this trash on your website? You do realize one of your bloggers called arguably the most famous athlete on the planet a, “World Champion Cocksucker” after completing one of the greatest playoffs runs in NBA history? How is anybody supposed to take you seriously? I have never been a big patron of your services, but now I wholeheartedly refuse to contribute to this nonsense. We here at the PO Life joke around and tell ridiculous stories, but it is all in good fun. We certainly don’t take ourselves too seriously. I mean Rudy just posted about how he got a boner from his doctor for shit’s sake. But you seem to have the audacity to take yourselves seriously, and for that you can have a big gulp of FUCK YOU.
*Again, I will dedicate a full post of my full on hate of Kobe Bryant. But that’s for another day.
**YES I MAKE UP HILARIOUS PUNS ABOUT LEBRON, GET OVER IT.
***OK I called him the WFG earlier and I keep referring to him as Ms. Magary instead of Mr., but we aren’t all perfect so stop judging.