I will be the first person to admit that I am sometimes unpleasant and have been known to complain once or twice. However, I believe that what I speak of today will be none of this. I also can guarantee that if you have EVER ridden the Metro you have most certainly witnessed and/or been guilty of what I will be highlighting here today.
Yeah yeah, I can choose a different way to get around. That’s not the point. The point is, if you are going to provide a service, especially one that is communicated as environmentally friendly, time-saving, and ‘faster, safer, smarter’, please actually do so. I feel almost daily as if I have been stuffed into a box, where I lack the contortionist abilities that would benefit my travel. I am not a hater on the Metro itself, just often times the folks that ride it. I do ride the Metro and will continue to do so. While no one likes sniffing armpits (see: the orange line any afternoon during rush hour), I do have to say that at least we are more comfortable than Tokyo.
As a fellow of below average stature, as well as likely any short person that cannot increase their arm length beyond normal human capacity, it is a mission to try to stay afloat when stuffed inside a packed Metro car. I can’t reach a wall, and I certainly cannot reach one of the handrails (why did they build these for people strictly over 6 feet?). I swear when I elbow you in the mouth, I am simply trying to not fall face first into the bosom of the woman in on the other side of me.
And now for the list…
1). Backpacks – There should be a rule that if you are on a busy/packed car with a huge backpack on, I should have the right to knee you in the crotch. Thanks for taking up an extra 3 foot radius by not putting your bag at your feet, idiot!
2). Jammed Door Sneakers – If you see the car door opening back up a 2nd time, it is because there IS A PROBLEM. This should not be a signal to you that you just lucked out after sprinting down the escalator to slide in through that quarter second window of the door opening up. If I see you jam the door when trying to sneak in after the 2nd time it has opened, I might need to publicly shame you. Nothing worse for the folks already on the car or waiting at the station for the train to be complete offloaded.
3). Starbucks – I get it – you like Starbucks. But just because you bought a Cup o’ Joe on your way to work doesn’t give you the right to bypass the law that everyone else actually strictly obeys; no food or drink. In fact, because you spent $4 on your coffee, you should have to then give everyone else $1 just to be allowed to share the same airspace as us.
4). The DJ – Those are seriously some hot beats. Nothing I love more than jamming out to Nikki Minaj at 8:05 in the morning. But when I do so, I do it through my own private headset system. No one wants to hear whatever song you happen to be listening to. If you really want everyone to know that you are secretly really really into Whitney Houston, log in to your Spotify account, and share it with Facebook.
5). Death – Many places around the country and world have safety glass so that someone doesn’t try to kill me. I risk myself being suddenly murdered by someone with a loose screw who wants to just hurt some random person. It’s bad enough that I have to worry about people eating my face. Now I have to worry about some drunkard who had 1 bad night too many. Writers note: the person in the above graphic was okay.
Ride the Metro, save gas, don’t litter… fuck it, just please don’t kill me Monday morning as I go to work.