I believe an introduction is in order. You can call me Joey Greenthumb. You may be sitting there thinking, “Wow, another incredibly handsome, witty, AND intelligent blogger is joining the mix!? Please allow me to perform fellatio on you continuously. I have really needed this.” I know that I wasn’t part of this experience in the very beginning. In all honestly, I was never invited* and I entirely blame McCannon. He continues to Walder Frey me at any and every opportunity; our friendship is on the brink of destruction due to his repeated indiscretions. Also, I think the other guys were scared to invite me because they knew where I might take this blog. You know, to relevance, wittiness, and the depths of the black hole that is my heart. But I digress.
Am I a true member of PO? Not technically, no. I grew up a few streets down from the narcissistic bloggers that you have come to know and love. They are all a few years older, a few years wiser, and a whole lot less attractive than I am. But I did share the wonderful experience of wasting away my childhood at McCannons house. McCannons younger brother and I have been tearing up the East Coast since elementary school, where we would hold “Connect 4” tournaments in the corner of the classroom and only invite the cool kids. And I won every time; don’t let anybody tell you any different. So I have known the exemplary gentlemen who partake in this circle jerk for as long as I can remember.
You want examples you say? You ask and you shall receive.
Cliff used to date my sister when they were in 8th grade. I am desperately hoping that they rekindle the flames because I really, really want Cliff to be my brother in law. My backup plan is marrying his sister one day. You know, after she divorces her amazingly badass husband who is better than me in pretty much every way possible. But either way, Cliff WILL be my brother in law.
Rudy was that awkward kid who lived down the street who was always just kind of.…there. You all know the type. But he also is the type of person that is impossible not to love and makes every situation better just by being there. I once made him a professional painter, and his piece of shit amazing creation is now hanging on my wall for all the world to see. It pretty much is the highlight of his professional career.
Fletch and I recently proclaimed our bro-love for each other and now every time we hang out, people think we are lovers. I refuse to correct them. If you have ever seen Fletch, you know how much of a hunk he is and you wouldn’t correct them either.
Alan and I are, fingers crossed, soon to be roommates. When he isn’t off trying to save the world by selling guns to children, I hope to actually see him more than once every three months. Alan’s job IS to sell guns to children, right?
A then 17 year old Eli (and this is absolutely a true story) once allowed his girlfriend at the time to fly over the median in her car and crash into my dad, sending him to the hospital in critical condition. I repeat; this is absolutely a true story! You want to know where my dad was headed? My sister needed cookies for school the next day, so while my whole family was at the local high school football game enjoying ourselves, my dad was going to the store by himself so he could get the proper ingredients to make the cookies. And Eli crashed into him. Flying over a median. In my head, this is how it all played out. My mom recently said to me, “You know what I just realized? It was Eli that ran into dad all those years ago. What an asshole.”
And finally we’re at Bart. But honestly fuck that guy.
This has all been a roundabout way to say that I’m not technically part of PO, but I might as well be. I consider each and every single one of them as some of my closest friends. But I also wanted to take this opportunity to preface every post that I make in the future: I am acutely aware that not a single person on this planet that isn’t named Momma Greenthumb cares at all about what I have to say about anything. But god damnit I am going to tell you anyway. And anybody that knows me knows that is how I live my life. So get ready for a lot of trivial lists, dick jokes, obscure video game references, and hopefully a good time. Let the great experiment begin!
*And I still am not invited. I mailed this to the PO Life house with a list of rambling, incoherent threats. Let us see if this makes it on the site.