Groomsman Games: Recap

If you’ll permit me, I’m going to get sappy for a minute.  I had a lot of reasons that I wanted to hold the Groomsman Games.  The competition was as great, as expected.  The shit-talking was epic and endless (as you can tell from the recaps and the comments, we’ll get a lot of milage out of this).  However, the number one reason that I wanted to host the Games was the company.  These guys have been the best of friends and it didn’t feel quite right to shortchange any of them by simply elevating one and putting the rest underneath him.  Instead, the Games gave us an opportunity to share some really great times with some great friends and make memories that will last a lifetime.

Alright, that’s enough sap for one recap.  Below you will find the Groomsman Games recap in superlative form:

Best Competition: We’re starting out big here.  This category goes to the most original and entertaining competition in the Groomsman Games.  In a shocker, I’m going off the board here.  The winner is… Post Oak Relay Race: This was Clifford’s original plan for a physical fitness challenge.  The PO Race started at my parent’s house and ran around the neighborhood that McCannon, Fletch, Rudy, and I grew up.  It featured such feats as throwing frisbees to stationary targets; running suicides and making a free throw; and entering in the key code to the McCannon family garage.  This event was a gem but we couldn’t perform it due to logistical and weather concerns.

Honorable Mention:Drunk Food Derby: This was a pretty fantastic event which could have only been improved by everyone reading the rules before going to Ben’s Chili Bowl.

Best Moment: Drunk Food Derby Pace Lap: The pace lap to the Derby was legendary.  All six of us rolling around a park blasting tunes before the start of the race was a moment for the ages.

Honorable Mention: Rudy’s Knockout 3 Point Shot: In a move of gutsy determination, Rudy took, and made a bankstastic three point shot to eliminate McCannon from knockout.  The sound of the ball clanging off the backboard and through the hoop is still ringing strong in my ears.

Closest Call:  Bart’s SAT ScoreIt’s hard to appreciate just how close Bart was in the SATs.  It wasn’t just that he needed one more right answer to tie AL.  He needed one fewer wrong answer.  If Bart had simply failed to answer a question instead of guessing wrong he would have tied Al’s score and been that much closer to 5th place.  Then again, if he’d shot 3 inches to the left he would have missed completely.

Honorable Mention: Bart’s DII Quick TriggerWe’ll get back to this one…

Most Embarrassing Moment: Eli’s PullupsThis one has been covered but deserves to be revisited.  Not only could I not muster a single pull-up, but I just hung there, limp and lifeless, like one of those old people in a LifeCall commerical“I’m hanging and I can’t get up!”

Honorable Mention: Rudy’s V-Sit: This one is a little unfair because Rudy is physically incapable of touching his knees while standing.  Still, it was pretty embarrassing when he lost to Bart’s penis.

Biggest Upset: Al’s Poker Runner UpThis was shocking because Al hadn’t played poker in 7 or 8 years before the groomsman tournament.  He was the only one of us who didn’t play religiously at some point and the only one without a serious gambling problem.  Even so, he rode steady play and a little lick to 2nd place in poker.  It made the difference in the final standings.

Honorable Mention: Rudy’s 3rd Place KnockoutAs you may have noticed in the physical fitness challenge, Rudy isn’t the strongest athlete in the group.  He spent more time as the high school mascot than as a member of any sports team.  Even so, he managed to force a 3-way overtime match and pull 3rd place in knockout while channelling his inner Grant Hill Basketball Camper.

Not Honorable Mention: Eli’s Knockout WinI refuse to believe that my knockout win was an upset.  Like I said, I was destined to win that challenge and I won it by a landslide.

Biggest Disappointment: Mac’s Football ThrowMac’s not the strongest athlete I know, but he does have strong hand-eye coordination.  He played baseball in high school and showed enough skill to win beer pong.  I’ve seen him throw a football well before which is why it was so surprising when he uncorked one of the worst throws I’ve ever seen.  The ball went further sideways then it went forward.  It was bad.

Honorable Mention: Bart’s Beer PongBeer pong was probably one of the most even events.  Any one of us could win a tournament on any given day.  That was why it was so disappointing when Bart got swept and averaged about 3 cups per game.  This was his worst showing of the Games.

Tear-Jerker: Al cutting a blind guy in the Drunk Food DerbyWe all wept a little for Al’s blackened soul when he was willing to cut in front of a blind guy.  Then we wept tears of joy when the blind guy got excited about it and told Al he was glad to get cut in line.  God bless that man.

Honorable Mention: Bart’s attempt to eat his drunk food while soberThis was certainly a sad moment that evoked pain in all of us.  The saddest part is that if Bart had finished his food, he would have been able to climb his way out of the GG cellar.

Mistake that would come back to bite: Bart’s Diablo II Quick TriggerBart took the rule that we had to quit our Diablo II game before the time a little too seriously.  He quit the game with plenty of time to spare and ended losing by the slimmest of margins.  It feels like every competition had Bart losing in some sort of heartbreak.  This was the heartbreakiest.

Honorable Mention: Cliff’s Drunk Food Forgetfulness: In usual form, Cliff broke dozens of driving laws on his way to getting to Ben’s Chili Bowl (his second stop) during the Drunk Food Derby…  However, he forgot his receipt at Jumbo Slice; if you remember the rules required a receipt be posted on the door like Martin Luther.  Upon getting a Ben’s Chili dog (before anyone else) he rushed out to go back to Jumbo Slice…  and forgot a receipt at Ben’s Chili Bowl…  He then had to return to in what can only be imagined an incredibly furious mood, before he got Julia’s and back to the house for third place.  Final standings show this pathetic lack of attention to detail may have cost him the big one.

Boldest Move: Bart’s Monopoly Competition and winWhen Bart announced his event was Drunk Monopoly, everyone doubted his ability to pull out the W.

Honorable Mention: Rudy’s Baseball Pants were the apple of McCannon’s grandmother’s eye. In an episode that rivaled the George Brett Pine Tar Incident of 1983, scandal struck the HRD before the event even began. Per McCannon’s HRD doctrine, 1 point would be awarded for the participant with the “tightest pants”. Rudy showed up with NY Mets track pants. This deviated from the official “baseball pants” rule that was implemented. None the less, the matriarch of the McCannon clan sided with Rudy over her own brethren.

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