Groomsman Games Event #10: The SATs

When we first heard of the Man of the Year challenge we were impressed by the creator’s innovation and their implementation.  We loved the whole idea of the Man of the Year as well as several of their individual events.  One event piqued our interest more than the rest though: retaking the SATs.  Now, none of us will ever be confused with great minds like Einstein or Bill Nye but our group is collectively much smarter than we are athletic*.

*That’s damning with feint praise if I’ve ever heard it.

Two of our world’s greatest minds and my two favorite science guys.



In high school, Clifford and I competed in class for the best scores.  Bart was a near prodigy in math but could hardly write his own name.  Al’s greatest skill is memorizing useless trivia but the SATs doesn’t have a history portion or a 90’s TV show section so his scores were merely above average.  Rudy was better at charming his teachers than acing his work but he skated by just fine.  Mac spent more time sleeping than paying attention in class so we were happy when he graduated.  That’s why, when scores came back for our SATs the first time we took them, we were stunned when McCannon smoked us all.  Bouyed by his SAT prep course* and strong vocabulary, Mac’s score came in clearly on top.  Clifford and I followed, not far behind, while the other three scored respectable scores** to round out the field.  I actually retook the SATs, not because I thought it would help me get into college, but because I wanted to beat McCannon’s score (which I did the 2nd time around).

*As you’ll see later in this competition, studying can provide a lot of help on standardized tests.

**I think Bart actually scored an 800 on the math and failed to spell his name correctly for a 300 on the verbal.

Our original vision was all of us, sitting in a high school classroom or cafeteria, taking the tests with hundreds of 17 year olds Billy Madison style*.  Unfortunately, it turns out they won’t let a bunch of twenty-somethings register to take the SATs on a whim.  Instead we went with the next best option.  My future mother-in-law is a high school english teacher.  She printed us out copies of a practice SAT test and proctored the exams for us.  Also, special thanks to the PO girlfriends/fiance for grading the tests on the spot.

*I don’t know what would have been more embarrassing: being the older people taking the test, or getting the lowest scores of the day.

Taking the SATs, the Billy Madison waaaAAyyyAAyyyyyy….

Unfortunately, the event was wrapped up at this point.  McCannon had already clinched the victory in the Games and actually brought his girlfriend with the intention of writing his name and rolling out*.  He was devastated when I told him that to get the 1 point for last place, you have to put in a full and honest effort**.  Luckily, the rest of the competition was a pretty tight race and second place was still open for anyone.

Event Standings:

  1. Clifford – 10 points
  2. Elijah – 7 points
  3. Rudolph – 5 points
  4. McCannon – 3 points
  5. Allan – 2 points
  6. Bart – 1 point

Overall Standings:

  1. McCannon – 56.5 points
  2. Clifford – 54 points
  3. Elijah – 48 points
  4. Rudolph – 45 points
  5. Allan – 39.5 points
  6. Bart – 37 point

Testimonial From the Winner – Clifford

I’m going to open with what all my hater- friends think I won’t say.  I was studying for the GMAT intensely prior to taking this test.  I’m in no way ashamed of this nor do I think it should somehow taint my victory.  I did not plan studying for the GMAT around the GGs, and I expressly let everyone know this would be an advantage.  However, whenever people make excuses for losing this quote from George S. Patton comes to mind…

“Americans love a winner. Americans will not tolerate a loser. Americans despise cowards. Americans play to win all of the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost nor will ever lose a war; for the very idea of losing is hateful to an American.”  -George S. Patton

I won the event.  It felt great.  Was it bitter sweet since I knew I was competing for 2nd?  No.  In the moment I enjoyed it.  Only later did I face the harsh reality of my overall loss…   Made only more difficult by how close I came to the greatest comeback since Coach Bombay put in Julie “The Cat” Gaffney  to upset Gunner Stahl and Iceland in D2.

Testimonial from the Loser – Bart “The Dumbass”- Yeah, I lost the SAT’s. Am I proud of it? No. I lost by 1 point.  Not 1 question, but 1 point. I guess I should not have guessed on that question about Jimmy’s Dad the Judge having manipulative power.  How dare I question a judge’s power being coercive, even in the context of a test that is analyzing word choice.

Am I okay with the loss? Sure. My original SAT split was 740 math versus 580 verbal, and this contest had 2/3 of the questions relating to verbal. I was doomed from the start. I might also be doomed in life, as I work with people all day, and lead training sessions multiple times a week, where I should be able to communicate properly without stuttering. When was the last time I needed to know the alternate exterior angle? Tuesday. The answer is Tuesday.
Takeaways from the SAT’s: If life was based around analogies and word play, I would be doomed to a life of discontent and constant struggle. Luckily, life is like a box of chocolates, because, they, taste, so, fucking, good. and only cost a few bucks:

Up Next – Groomsman Games – Recap
Previously -> Knockout -> Event #9

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One comment

  1. Pingback: Groomsman Games Event #9: Knockout « The PO Life

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