He Got Game: Improving Your Bed Game

Advice you never asked for by someone who probably shouldn’t be providing any...

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

“Sleep is for the weak.”

We’ve all heard the sayings before.  In fact, some you may have even said them yourselves.  I’m here to tell you that you’re sadly mistaken, my friends.  Sleep is an important part of your life that should not be taken for granted.  A healthy sleep cycle provides you with at least 6-8 hours of sleep per day.  That means that you will spend between 25% and 33% of your life catching Z’s.   It’s damn near criminal that people spend that much time snoozing but neglect their cradle.  Your bed should be your chariot to dreamland so would you rather roll up in Yugo or a Cadillac?

Let’s be honest… you’re taking the Caddy

Luckily for you, I’m here to provide you with 5 tips to trick out your trundle:

1. It’s good to be the king – We’ll start with the basics: a full grown human being can’t get a good night’s sleep on a twin bed, its anatomically impossible.  Some of you may have upgraded to doubles or queens but those are just stepping stones.  When it comes to beds, size does matter.  I’ve talked to plenty of people who think that a king sized bed is too much.  They say, “I get along just fine in my double.”  Bollocks, I say!  Don’t dismiss it until you’ve tried it.  If you ask me, a king isn’t nearly big enough.  I want a bed so big that I can’t come close to the sides no matter how far I stretch and so do you!

Shaquille O’Niel has it right. He’s got the largest bed in the world and refuses to settle for 2nd best.

2. You get what you pay for – I like a good deal like any other Semite, but there are some things I refuse to skimp on.  My bed is #2 on that list*.  Springing for a new mattress may not be cheap but it will be worth it when you wake up well rested and refreshed in the morning.  That doesn’t just go for mattresses but pillows, blankets, sheets, and the frame/box springs. The good stuff will feel better and last longer.  That doesn’t mean you can’t search for a good bargain but don’t forget that quality is more important than price when your sleep is on the line.  The last thing you want is to start your new day unrested and aching from an unsupportive mattress.  (Wo)Man up and do what you’ve got to do.

*Toilet paper is #1.  Sometimes the store brand just a’int good enough.

3. Go ‘head get down – Cotton stuffed: Hell No! Synthetics: No thank you! When it comes to adorning your regular resting place, there’s nothing like goose down.  Down pillows offer softness and support.  I don’t know how I ever slept without them.  However, the importance of good pillows pales in comparison to the absolute necessity that is a down comforter.  There is nothing quite so soft or warm as a down comforter with a nice cotton duvet.  It’s breathtaking, really, i suggest you try it.

4. The future is now – NASA has provided us with more than just trips into space.  Thanks to countless hours of research and billions of taxpayer dollars, we have wonderful everyday marvels that include velcro, microwave ovens, and memory foam.  There’s no substitute for sleeping on memory foam.  Like most space-age technology, this feature may be prohibitively expensive for some.  Even taking into account item #2, it’s not worth having a great bed if you can’t afford your rent.  I substitute the real thing for a 4 inch memory foam mattress topper.  These run between $100 and $200 and they are worth every penny.  Some day I’ll upgrade to the full monty but for now, I love my mattress topper and my bed wouldn’t be the same without it.

5. The more, the merrier – What’s the point of going through all this trouble to build the perfect bed if you can’t share it?  The final step to making the perfect sleepy-time chariot is to find some one (or more than one) to share a chariot ride with you.  I can’t help you find the company to share your boudoir with but I can tell you that all of the best things in life are best shared with friends and loved ones.  Good luck, godspeed, and please, for the love of all that is good and holy, don’t lose a wink of sleep over stepping up your bed game.

I’m gonna lie with a little help from my friends.



  1. Rudolph

    The sad thing is, I’ve probably been in a bed more times with guys than girls. Could be awhile until I eclipse the 50/50 mark.

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