The Friday Five – Five Signs You’re the WFG at a Party

The WFG is the “Worst Fucking Guy”.  Nearly every party has one and, as the saying goes: if you can’t spot him, you’re probably him.

The WFG


#5. You’re the Guy who Barely Tries at Drinking Games because “you don’t get it, what’s the punishment in having to drink more”? Shut the fuck up. Obviously we are all capable of drinking heavily without a game to dictate. You play Fuck Your Shit to get rowdy and to be rude smacking the shit out of some cups.  You play Flip Cup to get rowdy and hyped as a team (or on yourself, if it’s King of the Hill style). You play Beer Pong because it’s awesome. Not a single person says, “man…I really want to binge drink a year of my life away tonight…I’m just not sure I can do it without involving cups, ping pong balls, and potentially quarters.” You just happen to be drinking copious amounts of alcohol while playing these  fun games. Please go the fuck away and drink alone in the corner or something, if that’s all you’re worried about.

Nothing kills a game like this douchebag, other than the Black Hole who takes 3 minutes to get the quarter in the cup and 25 flips in Flip Cup. But it’s not the BH’s fault. As long as she’s giving it her all, you can’t fault her*.  In fact, a high-spirited BH can make up any shortcomings with moral support for the team.  It’s all about chemistry.

* I default to calling the Black Hole a “she” because, let’s face it: the vast majority are. However I’d be very ignorant not to acknowledge that there are gaping, incredibly-male BHs out there in the world. They tend to be far worse than your standard female BHs. Not-so-shockingly, many of these male BHs just so happen to be Guys who Barely Try at Drinking Games.

#4. You’re a Music Hijacker. This one is a little less cut-and-dry. It works very similar to taking shotgun in a car. Your ability to call shotgun hinges solely on your Riding Time (RT) with the driver of the car. If you’ve been rolling with the guy since he’s had his learner’s permit, call shotgun with aplomb, go crazy – you’ve built up respectable RT. If you’re just tagging along with a group of close friends because you had class with one of their brothers 3 and half years ago, don’t call Shotgun (or Blitz when someone else calls Shotgun). This should go without saying and so should the music at a party – if you don’t have a LOT of cred with the host(s) of the party don’t fuck with the music. It’s simple. No one’s down for your “fire” beat that “we have to hear” because your cousin produced it or some shit. If the question “who are you?” needs to be asked, it should never be followed by “and why are you messing with the Pandora station set to Queen that is melting faces right now?”

#3. You’re the Phone Addict.  This guy seems to think  that posting pictures on facebook, checking in on four square, and tweeting about how lame the party is are all more important than contributing to the festivities. He also feels it is necessary to be texting throughout the entire game of beer pong, effectively killing the pace of the game, and possibly has someone replace him during a flip cup tournament because he got a phone call, “that he just can’t miss.”  See someone over in the corner checking their words with friends?  Sure, words with friends is kick ass, but not if there are drinks to drink and raging to rage.

#2. You’re a Self-Quoter in your g-chat statuses. Nothing ruins a Friday party more than thinking back to wasting time earlier at work on g-chat, perusing folks’ statuses when you hit you one of these:

TheHeartofWit565QT (Available)

Some friend who is clearly kinda funny and quirky: “haha this guy had like the most CRAY CRAY Mohawk!”

Me (with a must-be-shared-with-the-world, side-splittlingly witty retort): “BANGARANG!!!!!!11!1!one1!”*

TheIronyOfMakingFunOfSomeoneTryingToBePubliclyWittyByTryingToBePubliclyWittyIsNotLostOnMe@gmail.com

I know what you’re thinking and, yes, this has something to do with parties; I can almost taste the Nattie Light turning to ashes in my mouth. If you’re a Self-Quoter, you’re probably numbers 5-3 as well. You’ve been called the WFG behind your back multiples times. You just have.

*This is sort of a bad example because it’s awesome, but self-quoting is fucking infuriating. Almost as narcissistic as starting your own blog, driven by what fundamentally amounts to pointless drivel and thinking people might actually want to read it.

#1. You’re this guy:

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