2nd Place – 7 Points
3rd Place – 5 Points
4th Place – 3 Points
5th Place – 2 Points
6th place – 1 Point (a thanks for showing up)
What happened: I’m going to hit the highlights here…
Event #1 Football Toss: Each contestant got three attempts at launching a football. I threw fourth, and launched an absolute BOMB, in the process most likely tearing my labrum. After this it was a relatively pathetic battle for 3rd. Eli made a few good looking tosses and McCannon started his downward spiral (more on this later). – Cliff (10), Eli (7), Bart (5), McCannon(3), Al (2), Rudy (1)
Event #2 Standing Broad Jump: This was certainly the most entertaining event, and a surprise 2nd place for me. It turns out Eli’s MASSIVE legs can actually do something. All those years of making fun of his cankles (dead serious his legs are the same width from his thighs to his feet, it’s absurd) came back to haunt me as he snatched up a first place finish. – Eli (10), Cliff (7), McCannon (5), Al (3), Rudy (2), Bart (1)
Event #3 Dribbling Drills: Using cones, people’s water bottles, and small toys left at the park we created a small maze for a dribbling speed competition. Highlight was without a doubt Bart’s incredible ball palming which generally followed a ratio of 3 steps to 1 dribble. I took this one rather easily, thus pulling away from Eli a bit. — Cliff (10), McCannon (7), Bart (5), Eli (3), Rudy (2), Al(1)
Event #4 Suicides: Though we aren’t much of athletes, we all played some sort of organized sport and thus all remember doing “suicides” at one point or another. I will admit when we started I planned to do a grueling # of them in order to truly shame my friends but scaled it back because we’d just finished playing drunk monopoly and everyone felt awful. Rudy was talking up a huge game due to his running skills but realized quickly that quick movements back and forth on a basketball court are not the same as running 10 miles with your junk flopping around. He finished in a surprising last, which seems like less of a surprise when you remember he has two titanium rods in his back… – Cliff (10), Eli (7), Al (5), McCannon (3), Bart (2), Rudy (1)
Event #5 V-sit and Reach: Definitely an anti-climactic event. Eli took it as expected with his really really odd level of flexibility that makes no sense to me. Per my note about event #5, Rudy can barely touch his own knees thanks to his titanium spine, and everyone else fell somewhere in the middle. – Eli (10), Bart (7), Al (5), Cliff (3), McCannon(2), Rudy (1)
Event #6 Pullups: At this point I was glad the final event was one of my strong suits because Eli and I were neck and neck. However, I had nothing to fear because he literally was unable to do 1 pullup… This is genuinely one of the most baffling physiological puzzles of all time. He is a grown man, looks pretty fit and strong, and is unable to do a SINGLE pullup. This is most likely the perfect storm of his abnormally heavy lower body (read cankles) and an upper body about as strong as a preteen girl. It was highly embarrassing, and I almost wish I’d have had some type of negative penalty for being unable to do a single pullup. – Cliff (10), T-2 Al (6), T-2 Bart (6), Rudy (3), McCannon (2), Eli (1 – which is 1 more than he performed)
- McCannon – 50.5 points
- Clifford – 37 points
- Al – 36.5 points
- Rudy – 35 points
- Bart – 34 points
- Elijah – 31 points
Testimonial from the Winner – Cliff (Me) – Welcome to Cliff’s epic comeback. I’d like to share with you the moment that I knew victory (of the whole Groomsmen Games) was a possibility. On the way to the park for the start of this event, McCannon and I were walking together and discussing the separate physical challenges. McCannon actually said to me, and he wasn’t being braggadocios or joking, he was 100% serious, “I think I can take the football throw.” He was SERIOUS! That is when I knew, hubris would lead to his downfall.
Fresh off what should have been a humbling loss in Drunk Monopoly, he still couldn’t fathom that though in the lead, he was not untouchable. After taking his last toss, and realizing he was beaten by myself, Eli, and Bart… I could see his world starting to unravel. This fall from grace only continued through the final two events as my stock soared like facebook’s IPO… Only performance in the last two events would decide our order up at the altar.
Testimonial from the Loser – Rudy – I want to preface this long-winded, excuse-laden rant by saying that there really is no acceptable excuse for coming in the bottom two in five of the six events. Had it not been for the fact that I have to duck underneath a pull-up bar every morning to get into my kitchen, I might have gone six-for-six in piss poor placement. That being said, fuck you guys.
For those of you who don’t know me, I have 36 screws and two titanium rods in my back. When sitting on the ground, my body cannot bend beyond an obtuse angle. I’m lucky if I can touch my upper thighs. I was set up to lose this. In fact, because Bart is so damn short, all he had to do was sit down and he already beat me. In fact, his meat was closer to the 0″ mark than my hands ever were. That’s not a joke. I lost to Bart’s penis. Which has been categorically described as a “muffin” before.
Next time we have the Groomsman Games, I’m going to be more selective about my competition and single out a particular person whom I consider to be a threat and create a challenge around their kryptonite. For starters, it would be:
- Cliff – Who can get into a better business school, or in his case, just business school altogether
- Eli – Having ten knuckles
- Bart – Pretty much anything. But particularly chessboxing. This, however, would never happen because he’s too scared to fight me
- McCannon – Arcade basketball. He gets to use both arms; I only get one and I have to double his score. Pretty confident on my ability to do this – not because I’m good by any stretch of the imagination, rather, because he’s just that bad
- Al – Showing up on time
Until then, I’ll just bitch and complain per usual.