With the Kentucky Derby and Drunk Food Derby out of the way, you’re likely clamoring for one more. So we’ll let you have another: The Home Run Derby.
As Eli stated in the rules, we each got to pick one event ourselves. They were allowed to favor the creator heavily (this one did) but they had to have at least a loose connection to the collective friendship of the group and Eli (we are all huge baseball fans).
- McCannon – 10 points
- Clifford – 7 points
- Bart – 5 points
- Rudolph – 3 points
- Elijah – 2 points
- Allan – 1 point
1. McCannon – 47 points
2. Allan – 32 points
3. Rudolph – 27 points
4. Clifford – 22 points
5. Elijah – 21 points
6. Bart – 19 points
Testimonial from the Winner – McCannon’s Corner
Hello and welcome back, today’s episode of The Corner is brought you to by Big Chief smokeless tobacco…sniff, sniff…the best.
I’ll give Cliff some credit here, he made it interesting. This event was mine to lose and he certainly put some pressure on. I happened to be the last person to bat, so I came up in round 1 needing to top some pretty feeble numbers (besides Cliff) as documented above.
I blame my first few outs on emotional whiplash from my Grandma’s cold-hearted betrayal when choosing the “Tightest Pants Bonus Point Winner”. I arrived at the field thinking there was no way to tip the odds more in my favor, when a seemingly brilliant ploy hit me: my grandma was in town and had decided to come out to watch – it’d be wrong not to rig it. Who would argue when I threw a curveball and declared that, rather than a collective audience vote, we would go with Grandma’s judgement on the “Tightest Pants”? Obviously no one would, and no one did.
Then Grandma Brutus-ed the shit out of me in front of everyone.
The bonus point turned out to be the only point for Rudy and enough to beat two other contestants. Also, his pants didn’t even qualify as “baseball pants” in my book and I seriously considered disqualifying him. But whatever, Grandma.
Anyway, once I got back into the swing of things (hehe), and pushed any thoughts of grand-matricide from my head, I cleaned up pretty good. Cliff put up another pretty good number in the finals, but that only made the victory that much sweeter. The father-son moment when that clinching home run went airborne was eerily reminiscent of MLB HR Derby champion Robinson Cano with his father throwing to him. After the fireworks faded, the din of the crowd died down, and our victory hug ended, my father looked me dead in the eye – the years of sports disappointment washed from his face – and said, with a single Hollywood tear running down his cheek, “I can’t believe your fucking Grandma pulled that shit.”
Testimonial from the Loser – Alan
I’d say I was the victim of alcohol, but we were all still drunk. In truth I just plain suck at hitting baseballs. If I got anything better than last place it would have been a bonus.
I played a year beyond pitching machine (one of you cleats tell me what it’s called) and probably swung a bat at a ball 30 times in the almost two decades between then and this event. I wish I were better, but I wasn’t. I hoped someone would suck more than me, but no one did. I squeezed into an old pair of McCannon’s brother’s baseball pants hoping to at least win Tightest Pants only to lose to ones that were “tighter.”
I wish I had hit at least one, but then I wouldn’t have been last. That’s the only consolation I suppose, it came down to a two-way suck-off between me and Eli (It would have been a three-way but Rudy’s tightest pants spared him).
Everyone dealt with the same conditions and there are no excuses for the final standings. I was last because I sucked the most and McCannon won because he sucked the least.
Up Next -> Drunk Monopoly – Event #7