The Friday Five- Five Signs He’s a Complete Asshole

I wrote about ways to spot if  a girl is crazy two weeks ago and it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t follow up with some ways to spot a complete asshole.  So let’s just get into it.

1) He is wearing a hat like this for no good reason.  Is he a professional baseball player,  a snowboarder, or the Biebes himself?  No? Then he can’t get away with a hat like this, and by trying he is showing that he is a complete asshat, pun intended.  Enough said on this.

2) He has more than one close friend who is a piece of shit.  If he has one close friend who is genuinely a bad person, then he might still be a halfway decent human being.  Perhaps he has known this guy forever, and they might have bonds that go way back to when he wasn’t such an awful guy and now life has simply fractured his soul like Voldemort and his Horcruxes.  However, if he has two or more friends who are tools, then odds are, even if he is pretending like he isn’t, he is too.  Let me quote the Commander-in-Chief on this topic.

“Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.”

Here he is resigning his commission as Commander of the Continental Army… You know, just setting the precedent of civilian control of the military. NBD.

-George Fucking Washington

What a completely accurate and baws statement.  Washington didn’t just go around making proclamations about this stuff, he lived it.  He had the most gangsta crew of soldiers, scholars, revolutionaries, farmers, and just all around manimals who drank scotch and smoked tobacco leaves when they weren’t founding the greatest Republic in history.  Would Georgie have hung out with a lame ass d00d?  Doubtful.  He illed with men of character, and expected the highest conduct from his posse.

3)  You know everything about his job, including how much money he makes, within 30 minutes of knowing him.  This is classic d-bag style.  Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely ambitious, love to work, and believe having both a personally and financially rewarding job are important to being a man.  I’m just telling you ladies that if a guy is leading the convo with this topic it means one of a couple things:

A) He is looking for the type of girl who would be interested in him because he makes a lot of money; which if that’s what you also want then go for it.

B) He has defined his personal worth by making money, in which case he probably doesn’t care about things like being nice to you, being honest, or pleasing you in bed.

C) He has nothing else to talk about.  This is probably the least bad of the lot because there is a possibility he just has zero social skills but phenomenal computer programming skills, and has made a boat load of bucks and now hopes to somehow translate that into wooing you with his wallet.

4) He is rude to people in the service industry.  I’m talking waiters, cab drivers, and hostesses.  In High School I worked at Barnes and Noble during the Christmas season and it was like the holiday season brought out all the worst in people.  People wanted to know if they could get refunds without a receipt (they got store credit but this just wasn’t enough for some people), or why they couldn’t use their teacher discount on The Da Vinci Code (Teacher discounts are for teaching materials, not crappy novels).  If a guy is being a complete jerk to your server, bartender, or cab driver this is not just bad form, this is a sign he is a complete turdburglar.  The broader trait represented here is a complete lack of empathy and a feeling of  superiority to anyone who could be working a job so below him.

5) I considered including this in #4 but upon further consideration this indicator deserves its own place as the ultimate of all asshole traits…  On family feud this would be the #1 response to the question, “How can you tell a guy is a fucktard.”  Scoreboard says….  DING DING DING, “He’s an awful tipper.”  There is a difference between a not great tipper and an awful tipper, and don’t get me wrong if I get awful service and/or bad food then I’m not going to give an excellent tip.  I’m talking about the guy whose check you have to surreptitiously look at to see if he gave any tip at all, and then because you see he tipped about 5%, you have to throw some extra cash on the table because you feel guilty and you want to come back to the restaurant again without worrying about spit in your soup.

Being a bad tipper is the lowest of the low, particularly when this guy falls into category #3, and you know he has oodles of cash.  If this guy has decided to leave a $4 tip on a $50 bar tab, and he’s paying for it on a Centurion AMEX then he is the absolute scum of the earth.  In his head he justifies this meager tip with some sort of logic like, “If that bartender wanted to make more money he would have gone to college, studied finance, done blow, and got a job at Goldman, like I did!”  This is the type of logic that blames the poor for being hungry, or the uneducated for not “Pulling themselves up by their bootstraps like my grandpappy did.”  Yah, but I bet once he did, he was a great tipper.

Real cool…



  1. Morgan (@meh83)

    Well played, sirs. While #1 doesn’t really apply to me, seeing as how I don’t live in California and I don’t date teenagers, I’ve actually not called a guy back because of behavior somewhat related to #4 (he was an asshole to a homeless guy – I mean, REALLY?!). Keep ’em coming…

  2. Clifford

    My only comment to your comment would be that you don’t have to date teenagers or live in California to find guys who wear flat brimmed hats, and not in an attempt to be funny but as a serious piece of apparel.

  3. Elijah

    I thought #5 was going to be: Guy with such a massive superiority complex that he feels the right and responsibility to tell you why your boyfriend is crazy…

    • Clifford

      This Friday Five said nothing about the male in question either being ones boyfriend, or being crazy. It was meant to cover all men in general and was about being an asshole not crazy.

      Oh Eli… I see what you’re doing there, but bring your A game.

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